Sunshine & Boobies

Hooray!

I've been trying to control my anger, and my issues with anger, and it's only been a day, but it's made such a difference already!

I went earlier to go see Fiancee on his break at work, and we went outside, and we started talking, and he tells me that his friend is walking up behind us, and not to be startled. I thought, Great. Now I have to deal with his shit. And then I thought, Wait. I don't have to deal with his shit anymore!

He walked right by us, and then came over a second later (on second thought, let me go bother my friend's fiancee who obviously doesn't like me!), and asked if he could have a cigarette there. I let him talk for a little while, and then I said (after he started hawking loogies and talking about how he cheated on his girlfriend, blah, blah, blah), and then I said, "I would appreciate it if you two could hang out together when I'm not here. I come here to be with Fiancee on his (short) breaks."

He was very rude: he made a face, turned on his heel and left. Without one word, or any eye contact. He won't make any eye contact with me anymore, either! Fine with me, now I'm not the one being rude, he is!! Whee, I'm happy. But I need to not let myself make him too miserable, or Fiancee will ask me to stop being mean again, and he'll start defending his friend, AGAIN. Lol. That and I can't deal with my conscience if I'm mean or do something wrong.

What I found to be amazing was the fact that I could feel my anger building up inside while I let him talk. And I had to build up courage to actually say something. When I did, though, I felt better almost immediately. It was really quite an experience, and it proved that I really have had problems with expressing anger.

I had a talk with Fiancee last night about what I'd discovered about myself, also, and he voiced his pride in my finding a fault in myself and being determined to fix it. Not just talking, but doing. It made me very happy. He's proud of me! I felt sad for a minute, because he seemed so relieved about the change I'm making... I thought, why, was I torturing you before? Eek! I hope I'm not THAT hard to deal with... *eyebrow*

Today the weather was amazing! It was about seventy degress outside (the first time since Fall), and I went for a skate, and a walk! It was nice. I've been trying to lose my extra stress poundage, and I got a good workout today. And maybe a little sun on my face, too.

Hooray for sunshine and boobies! (This is my weird humor, just so you know. You're not supposed to get it.)

: )

Okay, I learned something new about myself.

I discovered today that I have never learned how to express anger in a constructive, assertive manner. I think that this will help me in a lot of ways. I already have a book on learning how to be assertive. I've made a goal for myself, also: I will deal with all of my anger issues from growing up before I start a family of my own -- I will leave this unhealthy anger behind before I go forwards with my own family.

Hmm. I'm not sure what to think of the past few days.

I sent Fiancee's friend that letter, and I expected it to be taken seriously, and that some changes would be made. But all that's happened, is his friend has gained more power over Fiancee. I think I took the wrong approach, but really, Fiancee was the one who decided I should write him a letter.

I don't know what to do about this now. Fiancee asked me if I could see this all from his perspective, and just think about it while he was at work. I thought I was seeing it from his perspective! Just mostly mine, because in my family, if you're a woman, you have to protect your rights and your feelings or people will walk ALL over them.

I want to explain this all to Fiancee, but I'm afraid that he will just take it as another excuse for not liking his friend.

That, and I'm supposed to be thinking about his perspective of all of this today...

I think we both need to read the Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus book again. I read it, but then if he's not on the same page as I am (no pun intended), then I feel like I'm the only one putting work into working through tough problems.

How the hell am I supposed to make the best of all of this? And without sacrificing my learning how to be assertive, at the same time. (That is important to me on such a level because of my upbringing -- my mom was trampled ALL over, and still is. Therefore, it's a little more emotional and has more depth than it would normally.) (And I don't like it...)

I also think that I'm considering all of this on a more serious level, because Fiancee was wanting to go get married over the weekend, because we've been engaged for a year and a half. I went along with the idea for a couple hours, and then I started thinking of what it would mean, and everything that would change. I feel I have a lot more growing up to do before I make such a serious decision. I want the time to be right. I am positive I want to marry Fiancee, though. Although I don't feel so sure when he says all the wrong things! Ugh. We need to figure each other out, and I felt we had figured most everything out already! I was sure wrong about that. I also feel that we need to make everything right between our parents before we do this, also. Trouble with in-laws is bad news.

If Fiancee's friend were more considerate of our space, I wouldn't have as much of a problem with him. But he's got ADHD, and he's bipolar! And he's on drugs! And he just moved into our apartment complex. I feel like he's taking all of Fiancee's attention. I feel like the bad guy, also.

I just sometimes have a hard time figuring out if I'm right to feel this way, or if I'm completely wrong and jealous. I am easily manipulated, and I think that his friend is playing games with me now. I got really emotional today, and told Fiancee that he better keep his friend in line, or I'm leaving. And that I don't want to marry someone who doesn't stick up for my feelings, and understand me a little better, rather than stick up for his friend, and defend him instead of try to understand ME. I told him I'm #1 and his friend is #2, or I'm leaving and he is not the man I want to marry.

I think I got his attention. I'm tired of having to get his attention though.

I was raised around a woman who didn't really stick up for herself, and used her frailty as a handicap... so I really am very confused on how to handle men when you're considering marrying, and all of the stuff involving his friends and my friends.

Meh!

Fiancee's "friend."

Things with Fiancee's friend have gotten worse after given a little time. I tried making friends with him, but he is just not the type of person I can be around. Let me explain:

Fiancee's friend is twenty (almost twenty-one), and he ran away from home at age sixteen. He went to California, and lived on the streets for quite some time, at least a couple years apparently. He also was a heavy drug user for that time.

He moved back to Washington in January, and got a job where Fiancee works. They became friends, and started hanging out. Then they started hanging out a little too often. In my opinion, that means that they hung out anywhere from 3-4 times a week to 5-6 times a week. And Fiancee started letting him stay overnight. Fiancee has always been very good at making sure to okay the visit or whatever with me, but after I while, I felt a little trapped into letting him come over. I shouldn't have, either. It was my fault in some sense for letting it happen.

His friend then started calling me at home when he knew Patrick was at work, and asking if I wanted to hang out, or if the three of us could hang out. (I think that he realized over time that I was the weaker vessle in the relationship, and that he could easily get a ride home from me, or a favor here, a favor there... you know the pattern.)

Then he started showing up while high, and was acting a little crazy -- jumping around the apartment, making bizarre statements that made no sense, throwing things once in a while (like pillows, remote control, etc.) I started showing a little concern over his being around so much, and his behavior, also. Fiancee felt I was not giving his friend enough of a chance, and so I gave him another chance. He kept doing the same thing, and his behavior was really starting to make me genuinely uncomfortable. We would agree to hang out, Fiancee and I would drive to his apartment (which he shares with about four or five incredibly irresponsible, trashy human being around his age group.) He goes inside to get something, and then comes out, and asks us to wait up there with him, and I went along with Patrick, because I didn't want to stay in the truck without him. We wait up there for about half an hour, and obviously they're all pretty stoned, and I was uncomfortable with that, too. I said I was leaving, and he and his friend come to the truck with me, and his friend hops in the back, I back out of the slot, and we start moving... his friend suddenly jumps up in the back of the truck, and tells me to stop. He says his roommates are driving him crazy, and he needs to go. (I'm like, whatever, I didn't want you over, anyway!)

Later he tells us that his roommate that depends on him (whatever that's supposed to mean) gave him a pouty face and told him he was sad that Fiancee's friend wasn't staying there with them. So he just decides to go hang out with someone else after Fiancee, him and I have already made plans. That's extremely rude. I think he did it on purpose, just to get a ride home.

The last time Fiancee's friend was around was earlier this week. I was cleaning house on a really pleasant day, I had the windows open, listening to music, cleaning... and his friend knocks on the door. He says he just decided to drop by. (I'm thinking, right, you want me to do you some kind of favor.) So he chats me up for a bit, acting really weird, and then he asks if I will give him a ride to someone's house. And that he wants to hang out. Right! I wasn't having that. So he calls Fiancee at work, and chats him up, and then asks if we can hang out. Fiancee says ask me... and I say, whatever Fiancee wants to do (because I was doing him a favor; he's had a bad day).

Only it doesn't stop there -- Fiancee's friend then starts asking Fiancee if he thinks I could give him a ride, and that it would make him so happy... blah, blah, blah. Fiancee says it's up to me. I talk to Fiancee for a minute and decide that I'm tired of being alone in the apartment with Fiancee's friend, so I tell Fiancee that I'm coming to his work for his lunch break. I get off the phone.

"Please, please, please?" says Fiancee's friend.

"Please what?" I say.

"Please, please, please.... please?!"

I roll my eyes.

"Please would you take me to my friend's house?"

I am disgusted, and he knows it. I tell him we're going to meet Fiancee at work in a half hour. I turn the volume on the movie I'm watching up, in an obvious sign that I don't want to talk, I want it quiet.

He gets up and gets my phone, and starts talking to someone, really loud. He talks to that person for fifteen minutes, and then calls someone else. He talks to that person for a half hour, about sex, how nice my ass is, how nice my "torso" is, and how much he wants to see this person, and how nice "That sex was last night. I wish we could have sex right now. Maybe Rachel will give me a ride..."

I took him to the store to meet Fiancee, and he starts acting like a child. I mean ridiculously childish --

You know how big stores have all of those big beams everywhere? He walks up to one, and licks it. He says, "Wow, that's what metal tastes like!" And then he tells me to lick it. I turn away, looking for Fiancee. He then picks up a huge watermelon, and hugs it. I mean, squeezes it, and puts his face against it. He then gives it to me (he would've dropped it if I hadn't taken it). He says, "Hug it!" I put it down, and go looking for Fiancee. I find him waiting for a restroom, and Fiancee's friend follows me over, and stands in front of me, five or ten feet away, and hurls a potato at my head before exclaiming, "Catch!" I had to duck quickly, or it would've hit me, and hard.

I give Fiancee a look, and I start walking slowly in the oposite direction of this stupid idiot who's acting like a four-year-old. I get fifty feet away, and start walking faster. I walk all the way around the outside of the building, and get in my truck, and pull away just as I see Fiancee and the complete idiot in my rearview mirror.

Now at this point, Fiancee's friend is finished. He's pushed me TOO far.

I had several talks with Fiancee about all of this (because he was oblivious to most all of it), and he suggests I talk to him about how I feel. I decide I might write him an e-mail, explaining, and ENDING his haning around me, at least. I couldn't get Fiancee to stop hanging out with him, so I've taken myself out of the equasion.

Now I'm just nervous at finding out how his friend will respond to my e-mail, because he is such an unpredictable person. I am staying home, not visiting Fiancee at work. I don't want to deal with it. Maybe after a while, Fiancee will get tired of my not coming by his work on his breaks, and do something about this person himself.

In the meantime, I feel better at least for confronting the situation, and making an important decision for myself. I have a very hard time being assertive, and I feel I've handled the situation well. Now to just soothe my nerves today...

I just cannot believe that I let all of this get so far before deciding to cut it off. It was ridiculous and childish in hindsight, and I shouldn't feel bad for ending this problem. I feel better already about making this decision.

Follow-up on Asian Woman

I was recently talking to an old friend online, and I mentioned, passively, the situation I had in the grocery store with the Asian Woman (see previous blog). She told me this story after hearing of mine:

Asian women do that all the time in the commissary at the base here. They act like they don't know the rules, and use their language barrier as an excuse. (They know what they're doing.) Anyways... I knew this lady when I lived in Colorado (Commissary there too,) and this Korean woman gets in front of her... so my friend tells her, "You can't do that," blah blah blah. And the woman says something along the line of, "Sorry, can't understand you..." so our friend (military woman) picks this Korean chick up... and carries her to the end of the line. The Korean lady is so stunned, she just stands there, while our friend goes and brings her cart to her.

And everyone in the line applauded her.

Are you telling me that ALL of the people in this line were racist, too?

I thought this was so hilarious, I had to post it -- so true. If you can't laugh at this, you have issues. And if people think I'm still racist, I'd like to know. Because I stand behind what I write.

It's funny how people judge others when they've only read a blog or two -- although I understand when you make so many assumptions, you get ahead of yourselves.

At least I didn't make the assumption that I knew what area of Asia she was from.

Giant Bunny Toes.

I was raised Christian, however, I am not a Christian. I am agnostic. So I don't really celebrate Easter Sunday. But I loved this pic, and I thought I would share it with you. (This bunny is apparently 3 feet tall...)

Only one of my three siblings actually became Christian, which is kind of interesting to me. I like the fact that all of my siblings are quite different from one another.

RB is the eldest child, and he's always been a great big brother. He never really picked on me, and we've become fairly close. He's a greener, and is a very physically healthy, fit person. But he's always struggled with emotional stuff, but most girls just like the fact that he's a man and can feel feelings, and that he actually tries to figure them out, rather than run away from them like most men do. He knows a lot about health and nutrition and all of that stuff. I respect that about him. RB is ten years older than I am.

KT is the black sheep of the family, pretty much. Everyone has some problem with her, as she's a firecracker, and she is quite manipulative. She is very creative, and very good with her hands. She's married to a guy that doesn't ever get his hands dirty, on the other hand. They both fool around with other people, and they both make fun of each other, and pick fights. It's a very strange relationship. She is a very strong personality, and doens't usually hear what you're saying to her when you're talking to her, because she's always talking over you or around you. But she puts a face on for people that don't know her, so people get the wrong idea about her (which is the idea she wants them to get), and assume she's a great person, and she has everything together. She likes being a big sister to me, but she's always been jealous of me (she'll tell you that herself), and tries to dirty my name with my family and anyone that knows me. So I don't tell her anything about my life anymore, sadly. She has two kids with two different people, and doesn't treat them right -- she knows it. She's nine years older than I am.

DM is the brother that I was around the most -- he's five years older than I am. We made tree forts and rode our bikes together and all of that. I bugged him when he had friends over, and usually developed crushes on his guy friends. When he would have a crush on an older girl from church that I hung around, I would tell the girl about his crush. I followed him off a bicycle jump once and almost broke my nose when I was about six, and I was pissed at him for "making me follow him" off the jump. I always enjoyed my time with him. He was the one sibling that found God and made the "model lifestyle" that Christians strive for and all of that, which I respect to some degree, but he and his wife can be fairly judgemental, however. They have two girls, who are very cute, and they are raising them well, as everyone can tell. I miss hanging out with DM.

I don't like going to family functions very much, because when everyone gets together, most all of us put on "the face" and pretend to be a functional family and pretend to be okay with each other... I just don't enjoy it. I prefer hanging out with the family one at a time. I'm the youngest child who doesn't come around as much as everyone else does, and I heard from one of them that they talk about that fact when they all get together. I call most of them on their bullshit, and act as I would any day of the week, and they don't like that I don't play the game with them.

It's really windy today, and I wish the wind would stop and that the sun would poke itself out of the clouds.

You treat me like a child, and I will behave like one.

I cannot believe what I've been hearing! On one hand, adults want us to be raised with a good self-confidence on our shoulders, but on the other hand -- we can't be confident -- or we are at that point self-indulgent, snide little bratty kids.

Which is it, you fucking morons? Make up your mind on how you want to treat the next generation. You know something that makes me smile? We are the people who are going to control the medicare you get, the nursing homes you stay in, and what rights you have as pathetic, degenerate old fools who think they have something good to say. Guess what? People will not want to hear what you have to say when you are old and decrepid. They will only be changing your diapers and smiling down at you while we swindle money from your fat bank accounts that you never seemed to find a purpose for.

Do you know what you get when you ignore children and young adults? You get angry kids with a lot of weapons readily available to them, to get rid of ignorant "adults" like you. That is what you fucking get.

The few that have commented on how I am racist -- you don't know me, and you don't know what I'm about. Don't comment on what you don't know. I have disabled my comments for that reason. You don't know what you're talking about, so you don't get to talk.

You treat me like a child, and I will behave like a child.

How do you expect children to behave like adults when you treat us like children? That makes no sense at all. You are all contradictory, babbling idiots with more problems than you know what to do with.

I think that most adults want children to dance for them, and wear bright colors, and do all the right little happy things. And you know what? I've done that for most all of my life. I didn't go to parties, I didn't get into trouble very often (and when I did, it wasn't a big deal). I didn't do all of the annoying little things that teenagers do. I really didn't! So why do I get punished for things I didn't do? I get treated like a typical teenager when I am NOT.

Put that in your pipe and smoke it.

Not seen nor heard.

I am really tired. Of people who are always trying to tell me what age to act.

I've always been a lot more mature than people my age, and a lot more responsible, and aware of my place. And I don't like saying so, because I am not a prissy, snobby know-it-all kid. So it is very irritating to keep bumping into people that think they have the right to tell me what age to act, and to try to "put me in my place."

Kids are not to be seen nor heard, right? We are the future, and we should be taken into consideration more often than we are.

I have been forced into being the "bigger person" in situation involving adults who have made things out of nothing and tried to "talk down" to me. I am so sick of being the bigger person, and so sick of having to deal with immature ADULTS.

Adults are supposed to be the people we are modeled after, and the people we strive to become. But there are not very many adult models that I would like to become. It's saddening.

Who are the kids of today supposed to model themselves after? No one has morals anymore, and no one treats children and young adults like they should be treated.

The world is becoming a very sad place.

A note on my last post --
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I write on here to vent my feelings about things that happen to me. I think that the majority of people blog online for that reason. As soon as I have to filter my actual thoughts and feelings -- that will be the day that there is no free speech whatsoever. And, that will be the day that we all go crazy, because we will all be stifling ourselves, and we will all slowly implode. We will all, slowly, become the same.

If you've got a huge opinion about something that OBviously clashes with someone else's opinion, don't fuckin' wipe it in my face. Write about how you're frustrated about it on your own goddamn blog.

I could easily vent my opinions about annoying people to their faces, but what good is that going to do? The type of people that do that are the people who read blogs like mine, when they KNOW that they disagree with the person's opinion anyway, but they decide to be a bastard and try to start an argument with me. You are the type of person that if you were in my position at the grocery store, you would've told that woman what was what.

I am doing people that irritate me (and everyone else around them at that given time) a favor by venting on here, instead of making a scene in a grocery store. I think that YOU should grow up.

Fuck off.

Asian Woman

Arrrrr, I say.

I was at Albertson's at around 12:30 last night, and the reason I go grocery shopping at such a late hour, is because of the lack of people at the store.

I got ingredients for some mexican food, and got in a self-check line, which had no line to speak of. I got everything bagged, and whipped out fiance's debit card, and swiped it, entered the pin, and... nothing. "Processing."

Fiance paged someone to come fix the damn thing, and the woman tried fixing it for about ten minutes. She said we'd have to get in a regular line and ring everything up a second time. Great, right? At twelve-thirty in the morning/at night. I was already a little irritated.

I get in a line with three other people ahead of me, and tell fiance to go to the truck if he wants; I can take care of the food. He had had a pretty bang-up job close, and was really exhausted. So he leaves, and as he's leaving, an Asian woman tries to push her cart at an angle ahead of me. I pushed my cart in front of her's and said "Excuse me."

She showed no sign of acknowledging what I said, or really that I was even in the line, and was in the line first. Finally, the person ahead of me noticed, and said sorry and let me push my cart ahead a little. Then, the woman that tried to fix the self-check machine thingy said she would help ME in her line, which was empty.

The Asian woman started pushing her cart (swiftly) over to her line... by then, I was like, alright, you want to play? So I pushed my cart behind hers, and said excuse me, agian, only in a more snide tone.

THEN, I got in the line, and she put her cart in the way so I couldn't get it to the left of the cashier, so the cashier can put your groceries in there, you know? I started putting my shit on the spin-around thingy (lol), and she reached over and put the gray bar seperator thingy after I had put only a couple things down, so that when the cashier pushed the button for the thingy to spin, Asian woman's shit kept moving in front of me, preventing me from putting my groceries on the thingy. I kept pushing the gray thing back, every time it spun, and she just kept putting shit on the thing. So, I looked her straight in the eyes, and said, I need to put my cart where your's is, please move.

She says, "Are you upset with me?" in somewhat broken English, and doesn't look me in the eye, in kind of a "Duh" monotone kind of voice.

I said, "No, but you're in my way, and you're preventing me from buying my groceries and getting out of your way."

Arrrrr. She doesn't say anything, but instead, as I walk around to the cashier to pay, Asian woman follows me and stands RIGHT in my space, right next to me.

Now, I am not a racist discriminatory, but I have so many irritating brushes with Asian women. The majority, that I speak of, I believe, needs to stick to brushing laquer on fingernails. No offense (or pun) intended. If you're offended, you probably have no business reading my blog. I write this blog to vent, not to be politically-correct. : )

It took a couple times of listening to a Coldplay song pretty loud in my truck to stop pumping so much freakin' blood through my veins. People that are blatantly rude like this woman, Asian or not Asian, have some real problems that they're subjecting everyone else (you and I) to.

People.

We're all such colorful 'pieces of work.'

Bouquet of Freshly Sharpened Pencils

Well, apparently, I opened up too much to befriend fiance's friend, because he has been at our apartment about five out of seven days this week. So yesterday, when he wasn't gone in the morning like he said, I had a talk with fiance. He was giving me some lip, so I told him I was going to stay the night at a friend's. He then started listening. I told him I was happy to have his friend over once in a while, but not like it has been. I am happy to let his friend eat a small meal once in a while at our apartment, but I am not the hostess of the apartment. He is now the "host." I mean, good God, he's been practically living at our apartment. Not happening!! Fiance is completely fine with it, and I think he realized what it was starting to become. I also told him I am not picking his friend up from his apartment, or his friends' houses, because they are incredibly trashy, and I get extremely uncomfortable. Fiance hasn't had to meet a lot of his friend's acquaintances. *Eyebrow*

On a more positive note, Spring is here, at long last! Also, the new management has been making some nice additions to our apartment building -- cleaning up the grounds, installing a change machine in the laundry room, making our stupid neighbors move... speaking of the neighbors, we have a new neighbor now, and he's pretty nice. He looks like he's about fifteen years old, but he's actually twenty-one. He has a pretty high-pitched voice (for a guy), much like mine, actually. (I have a soft-toned lower-pitch voice.) He is something of a wigger. He moved in with his dog, who is a very sweet doggie, and he also put a bunch of stuff on the deck in front of his door... which is the only real complaint I have; that and he has people over constantly, who leave the door open, so when you walk ou to the car or go somewhere, you are subject to walking around his crap, and hearing them tell the dog to shut up. But he's WAY better than the last neighbor. His balls just badly need to drop. : )

I've been much happier lately, since the weather changed. I have a much better outlook on things when I can get outside without getting too cold or too drenched. I spent an hour walking on a nearby beach, in seclusion. It was extremely peaceful and serene. Although -- this beach has a lot of rocky terrain closer to the street/railroad tracks, so there are lots of places for people to sit... or, rather, have sex. I'll explain: I was walking back to my truck, close to the shore, when I heard this loud grunt of the sexual nature... lol. It was a middle-aged man who had apparently just blown his load. I laughed inside, and willed myself not to look. It was really quite hilarious. And not expected, at all.

Today is laundry day! I always look forward to laundry day, because I get to smell fresh laundry, and feel warm clothes against my skin as I fold. It's one of those 'bouquet of freshly sharpened pencils day.'