You got just what I want, you got just what I need. . .

You are my heart's desire, you set my soul afire . . .

God damn. It is so good. I can't get enough. When I think for a second that it's not going well, it explodes in the air around me.

Had a fairly shitty day at work, decided to go to a friend's after work. Drew said he would stop by. I said I wanted to have sex. He said he'd meet me and go to my house first before the friend's house. We had really great quick sex, then went to my brother's to get my leftover thanksgiving dinner. We smoked weed first, and had a nice little drive. Love driving high. Left, and went to Kristin's. Smoked more, fuck; played with a keyboard (Drew and I) for hours, it seemed like. It was pretty fucking awesome. We went on a little adventure to the store to get wine, and we ate really good cheese and really good crackers. Drew was just going to stop by for an hour or two, but decided it was too good a time to leave, so we stayed until about four. I dropped him off at his car, and haha, I was going the same way home in my car, and we drove side by side for a while. It was so cute.

I got home, stuffed my face with thanksgiving (because I had been so hungry all day!!), and then went to bed watching a chick movie. Woke up to see Drew in my bedroom, lol, saying that he stayed home from work and he wanted to come over and surprise me and he wanted to cuddle. : D

He said that he figured the door would be unlocked, because it always was, and it was locked, so he looked in my car, and the keys were in there. It was the best way to wake up EVER.

We snuggled and talked and played around. He took photos of me giving him head, lol. It was hot. He took a video of it, too. Lol. It was generally a really good time. I was really happy, and he obviously was, too. It was a really nice surprise. Really, really nice.

He did leave me that night at his car with quite the passionate goodbye kiss/rub. It turned me on a lot, gave me butterflies. I did a nice little drift in the parking lot before I left, hehe.

Yesterday was a very good example of why when there is silence or what seems like silence or what seems like hesitance, or avoidance, ----- it is definitely not what it seems. I was getting the feeling of avoidance, hesitance, impatience. . . but it was one of the better days we've had together, even though all of our time together has been really great. I need to be more patient, and not come to so many conclusions.

It's awesome, because I finally found some of his sweet spots when we're having sex. It was a little awkward because I couldn't find them at first, but now I have the power again. To make him cum when I want him to, hehe. And I'm finding ways of hitting my spots, too. I have missed having my clit touched the way I love. I'm learning. And experiencing new feelings when I cum, too.

Fuck. I am so happy.

What a great day.

God, what a great day.

I'm really enjoying this experience. I get a little anxious sometimes, and a little crazy, but I'm really enjoying it.

Take yesterday for example -

I haven't been texting him much, because of my large txt bill. I texted him something sort of random and endearing - "I miss your voice." And he and i texted back and forth for a while. He asked if I wanted to hang out tomorrow (usually I ask him to hang out, I just can't help myself - but today and yesterday, I did.) - it was really nice. We usually hang out alone, and this time we were going to hang out with his best friend and a girl his friend likes. Turns out she was the same girl that was over when I was really hazed out from the first smoke out with my new bong (that he went with me to buy). The experience was not one I wanted to remember, for the most part, and I told him so. He said that his friend kept telling him he wanted him to tell me he was really sorry for the antics and the scene. So I told him it was cool, and that I would do it. It sucked for a while, but was generally pleasant. I got a little bored once in a while. But it was a good experience. Kind of a door opener. Got to know the best friend a little, chatted with the chica, who was funny and interesting. . . gave his mom a hand massage. . . she invited me to thanksgiving dinner. She made dinner for her other son and daughter in law, and i met them and her grandson, who is SO cute. Got to cuddle a little. Got to see him around the babe, and it was adorable. I knew it would be. Irresistable, is what he is. And he wonders why I get so crazy once in a while. Fuck. I'm falling in love with him, he's so perfectly irresistable, and what I need. What I want. What I dream about. What I fantasize about. What I think about. But I'm trying to honor him wanting to take this slow. It's proving to be difficult. Very difficult. I catch myself, I draw myself back. I let myself go, I catch myself in time. Ugh. I hope it's worth it in the end, or this will turn out to be very painful indeed.

Anyway, sidetracked. We all chattered for a while, then went back to my house. I enjoyed seeing what they thought of the apartment, made me feel good. And we all started drinking, and had the drinking game going, watching coffee and cigarettes. I was made (with him) (although my beer had just been opened) to chug my beer, because I started drinking too soon. hehe. I chugged it and they were impressed. He kept spilling his beer on me! It was annoying, but endearing,a nd I was drunk, so I didn't care too much. Lol. We flirted and had fun, and he realized (fucking finally) that I needed some touching, really. So we played, and then we went into the bedroom for the night with a movie, and they were in the living room. We had really good sex twice, drunk nonetheless, very good sex for being drunk, let me tell you. Fuck it was good. It's always good. Except when we're both really tired or burned out. Like this morning. Meh, although he is so fucking good with his fingers, and he always gives. He always gives. It's really sweet. I love that about him.

The rest of it kind of sucked, until we cuddled this morning on the couch, and I got to rub his muscles and soothe him, after all the soothing he does for everyone else. I have to make a point not to take advantage of him being such a nice person. I have to. Everyone does it to him, I know it. I don't want to be one of those people to him. I want not to hurt him or take advantage of him. I want to do right by him. :)

Now? I'm hungover a lot.

I am enjoying this.

I am very much enjoying being pursued by him. I really, really am falling for him in a hard way. I actually could see myself with him, and being very happy. I won't count my chickens, but damn, would I love to. I don't really know him as well as I would like to before I start thinking along those lines - but I am quite sure that he is what I'm wanting.

I am usually way to quick to jump into things with guys. I get excited, I want it, I want it all the time. The tender side of things gets ignored, and they think I don't want that. But that is not happening with him. He wants the tender side, and he's pushed it into things. Don't get me wrong - there's still the awesome, crazed (sort of) sex. I can tell it blows him away, and I'm glad. I'm still adjusting to how his dick fits me, and where his buttons are in comparison to what I'm used to. He's really tall, so there are certain positions that just don't work. It's interesting.

He is a very interesting person. I really like who he is. He's a vegetarian (sort of), colorblind, 6'7" tall, he has red hair (and not the shitty red hair - it's the good dark red hair that everyone wants), he has crazy fucking awesome red chest hair that's just as red as his normal hair. . . he's really into music, even though eh doesn't play (for which I am kind of glad). . . he is mellow, but he can give attitude if he needs to. He doesn't let people walk all over him. He doesn't intimidate people. He is aware of what's going on. And he is shy! It's so cute. It can be annoying, but he promised to try and be more open and less held-back.

He thinks what we have is beautiful, and that I'm amazing, and adorable. . . and he knows just what to say to disarm me. He knows what to say. He is really held back about his loss of weight. He won't take his shirt off. I really want him to take his shirt off. I think he is attractive no matter what. What is a little bit of leftover weight on the stomach? I have it. Most people have it. I want to see him with his shirt off. That will be the ultimate trust I think. He will really trust me when he can take his shirt off around me, and be comfortable. Maybe even be naked. He's had his pants off around me, and been buck naked. . . but he's really sensitive about his stomach area. I won't push him, though. He knows that I want him to take his shirt off, and that I really, really want to see his chest hair, and he knows how it turns me on. He knows how much he turns me on.

I would never want to hurt him or do anything to make him not trust me. I have always had somewhat of this feeling in past relationships - but in this one? I really, really would hate myself if I hurt him or did something to betray his trust. His trust in me is valuable to me. It means more than it usually would. It's a little scary, actually. I've never felt this way about anyone before.

I know this: I will take my time getting to know him, getting to trust him, getting to find his buttons, his sensitive points, his feelings on different issues. I want to know him. And I want him to know me. I will take my time, and I won't do anything to jeopardize this pointin our relationship. It is important to me. He is important to me. Just don't move to fast!

It's interesting how things unravel

You think you have someone figured out, and then you see something about them that they've tried hiding. You can see only what you want to see, you can show only what you want to show - but then how do you know what exactly you're getting in the package deal? You can wrap something in wrapping paper that you cannot see through, and then you will have no idea that the inside holds broken parts, unfinished business, things that are not worked out. . . issues maybe you don't want to deal with? Issues that maybe you didn't bargain for?

I am starting to think that it is one of the rudest things to be dishonest and nothing more than absolutely open with the people that you are around every day. The people that you sleep with, the people you kiss, the people you tell your secrets to. The people that you take chances with. The people you let yourself loose around. The only time you feel cheated is when you find out that you are more open with someone than they have been with you. This happens more often than you would think. People are amazing liars. People are amazing actors - our civilization is based on drama. We have become a part of it.

Life is not something meant to be played safe. Yes, you survive, and you try not to put yourself in a position to be fucked over or to be had, or to be taken advantage of, but you have to let it go, and try again. You get up, dust yourself off, and learn to trust people again. People cheat, people lie, people steal, people do a whole lot worse than that that most people don't experience in their lifetime. Of all of the things that we do, we should at least be open with each other. If we don't want to or are not ready to open up, then don't put yourself in a situation to frustrate someone because YOU are the one NOT READY to open up. That is rude.

If you can't let it go, and try again - why am I wasting the time?

I fucking need a cigarette.

The Way

I wonder just how "I miss you" turns into "I love you." And also how "Baby" turns into "Honey."

I love sex, I love having sex with him. But all I'm really thinking about is holding him, touching him (non-sexually), feeling him touch me, hold me. Just being around him. I don't need to have sex with him - I just want to be with him. I want to know what he's going to say next. I want to see what he's going to wear tomorrow. I want to know how he's doing, how he's been. What he's seen, what he's heard. I want to know about the hard things he's experienced, I want to know about the amazing things he's experienced. I want to look into his eyes - I love how he knows what's behind my eyes. I hint to some people, but only few people get to or know what's behind them. And he's figured it out, so when I look into his eyes, I don't have to try and open them - he just sees.

Do you realize how easy and casual and careless and happy and free that is?! Do you know what it's like to be with someone you don't have to explain things to --- or on the cross side, ask questions?! I know, and he knows. How is theat possible. I didn't think that it was after my last relationship. Not at all. Constant confusion. We were simply not on the same page, cut from the same material. But him? Literally the same material. We know a lot of the same people. We think on the same level. He brings things out in me others do not. Cannot. He makes me giddy and happy - and that is what I love to be! That is the way that I am happiest being. This is Rachel. This is a man I would want to be with.

But that's not all, of course. There's always the attraction to the physical side of things. That fucking red hair. His goddamn red chest hair motherfucking kills me. I think that it always will. I fucking love that chest. He is so big, and strong. He is gentle, and soft, but big and strong. I know he could take care of things. People could be intimidated by him, and he can turn it on if he needs to. I would be safe. He is so HOT.

I am falling for him so hard. I feel like I'm starting to fall down the rabbit hole, and there is not light to see anymore except for him. I was trying not to and didn't want to do this, but it is so right, it makes me a little crazy. As soon as I realized how I really felt, I couldn't control it anymroe - either it was get away from it and save myself the misery of somethign that won't ever be, --- or mention it to him, and see what he did.

Well, fuck.

He wants to take the time to do "us" right. He usually rushes into things and gets carried away, and he wants to take his time, and do it right. That is so refreshing. Take your time, you fucking stallion. I have always enjoyed chasing, and games. The fun ones. I already know he likes that, too. And I know he knows I know how to play. I think it will do us both some good.

I told him I would trust him. So I'm going to trust him, and play this out, let it be. Enjoy it. Remember it. Lust in his late night messages, his soothing tone. His fucking hot self calling on me. Giving him a taste once in a while. Playful, lustful. Bask in the attention, in the lust and playfulness coming from his own heat.

This is a whole new chance. Fresh start - what you eventually wanted. It's yours. It's yours, and much better than you anticipated.

Learn to let it build inside of you. Learn to enjoy the feeling, the feeling of wanting to burst with the energy you feel from this person you are so drawn to naturally. Let there be some slack in the line. Let it breathe. No pressure. No worries. Complete trust.

Know why it's okay?

No worries; complete trust. He's not going to hurt you. Trust the intuition, trust him. No anxiety whatsoever. All happy, all good. No worries; complete trust.

Trust Drew.

Why force?

Why would anyone want to force a relationship to develop? Why make something, something that it's not, or force it to be something that you want it to be? I really like this guy, really really do. I think I've been trying to force it be something I'm comfortable with, though. I'm used to being tied to someone, used to being stuck to someone like glue, spending every waking moment. Not that it's bad in this case to do so - the nights over at my house have been amazing. Eye-opening. Changing. Comfortable in a way I've never known. Collaborative. Take last night for instance - we had drinks, had dinner, watched a movie, and he fell asleep on me while I stroked his hair. We went to bed, didn't do anything sexual, completely relaxed, normal. Fell asleep together in bed, cuddled. Woke up, just naturally cuddled together. Then we naturally had sex. We never seem to have energy in the morning, but always enough for a bit of sex. And it's always pretty good sex, too. Still learning where his dick hits what, and where, and how, obviously - but very promising. He's so different how he sleeps, than Patrick was, that is. He doesn't move around a lot - unless he's waking up. He's very still, very deep-sleep, (and I've started going back to that habit), and then he wakes up and tosses around (I actually do the same thing, and make noises). He makes gurgling noises, and snores, and sighs. It's cute. He looks really relaxed, and it's very pleasant.

I've been fairly lonely living alone for the first time in my life, but I have enjoyed a lot of the aspects of it. I am sure that it will eventually make me stronger. And I need to experience this to the fullest, until the time comes for a change, again. one thing is for sur e- I would NOT want to go back to how it was, and has been for the last few years. I am not a person that was meant to be smothered, stifled, suffocated.

It's weird learning the dynamics of the kind of relationship that I'm in right now. It's not really defined; it's been partially defined as: fuck buddies. But after that, it is not defined. I probably shouldn't fool around with anyone else, and I do owe him that, at the very least. He did say that he wouldn't "play me," which means he wont' fool around with other girls while he's "with" me. I still don't quite get it, what the rules are, what I can do, what isn't zesty. . . it's confusing sometimes. I know what I feel like I should be comfortable doing, and other things I would really love to do, but don't do unless encouraged - such as holding hands. Which I would FUCKING LOVE to do with him.

I would also like to bypass some of what we have and get to know him better. Not just as a fuck buddy type friend. I'd like to really know him. I do know that he is somewhat guarded, that is - I offer information usually by choice; he will if it comes up. I think of things randomly.

What would I like to do with him?

1. I would like him to fuck me with a rubbery new vibrator I have yet to select and buy.

2. I would like to be able to hold his hand - to have him hold my hand.

3. To know more about him: specifics. What makes him tick, what makes him shut off, etc.

4. If I didn't text/call/etc. in a day or more, what he would do - if he would text/call/etc., or if he would wait for me to text/call/etc. See how long it would take. If he would step up or let me call the shot.

5. I am curious to see how he would react to a bad mood - the last "bad mood" I had, he was sympathetic but not guilt-tripped or felt he was responsible or anything - I didn't want to be alone, but he had to hang with his friend he lives with - I avoided him for the night because it made me emotional; I was just in an emotional place, and I was trying to make myself mad at him, which didn't work in the end; and also I didn't want him to see me cry, which he is nice, so I would've cried. when I told him this, he went out on a break, sat me in his lap, and told me everything would be okay; kissed me, hugged me, and went back to work. Could he ever make me angry/upset/mad/pissed off? I am curious what it would be like - or it if would ever happen. Maybe we are of the same fabric, so it wouldn't happen neccessarily. Interesting.

6. I really, really would honestly like to know what he really feels for me. I dont' know him that well, so I feel like I get mixed signals sometimes. He always makes sure I dont' think otherwise - which is nie - but I still feel like there's soemthign I'm missing. Like if he asked me out he would act differently. I don't know. I do, though - because we're not going out officially or anything. We fuck, we have passionate sex, we hav efun sex, we tease, we cuddle, we hang out, we make plans sort of. . . we have some mutual friends. We talk. We keep in touch. What would change if we were officially going out? There would be some sort of feeling of obligation, of course. Don't miss that feeling at all. Fuck. There would be much more of a feeling of jealously, intimidation,. . . obligation. I would like to know more about his relationships.

7. I would like to know more about what his past relationships were like. Things that have happened to him. Things that have changed him. ---- But I am still, even when i feel this way about him - --- hesitant to share certain things with him. Things that will change his opinion/perspective/feeling towards me, maybe. I guess that is where a certian trust is adopted. But I'm not completely sure he wants that or not. Or if I do just yet. Maybe not yet. Maybe certain closeness should not be introduced just yet.




Anyway, he is an interesting guy. I am intrigued. I am attracted. I am liking what I see, hear, smell, feel. . . he's yummy, nice, introspective, curious, spontaneous. HOT. Red hair, red chest hair, big hands, big feet. Kind, but has an attitude and will speak up if need be. Not to be trampled. Not to be taken advantage of. Vocal. Very sexual. Healthy. Aware.

I really, really think that I do not know enough to like him the way I think I do - but I do think that there is good potential. I don't know enough to really know that I feel a certain way about him - but I am really attracted to the idea of what it could be someday, if that happens. If not, it would be saddening. . . but it just wouldn't be meant to be. And I would have no choice but to move on and get over it. This is the first any kind of relationship I've had since I was 16/17 years old. A lot has changed since then. I need to take my time and really feel this one out. Have patience. Really be in tune, really just let things happen, let things go where they might, let it out. Let it be.

I'm excited for the journey.

Men.

I always run into some dilema or problem with men. They're too old; they're too young; they smell; they smell very nice and it makes me crazy; they're hot and it makes me crazy; they're not hot and it makes me crazy. They're good in bed; they're bad in bed. Everything about men makes me crazy, either in a good way or a bad way.

I have missed sleeping with different men, and experiencing different sides of men. But one problem always bites me on the ass. If I really like the guy I'm sleeping with, even though I don't want to date at this point in time (just got out of long term relationship), I find myself being clingy, wanting to be around them all the time. Being whiny. . . not giving enough space. Trying to hang out all the time.

Rather than letting nature take it's course, and letting the man follow me around, call me, text me, try to get my attention. It's the other way around. I need to find out how to stop. Or just stop. He's hot, but do I really want him around all the time? He's a great guy, but would I really want to date him? Well in this case, this is the whole problem - I do! I really, really like this guy.

Basically what we have is a casual relationship. We both like each other quite a bit, but don't want to date anyone right now. But we're having sex. And it's making things just a little complicated. And what makes it even harder? He likes to cuddle, and I LOVE cuddling with him. It makes me melt, and the melting is what is getting me in trouble, overly excited, overly attached. I've also never had a casual relationship like this before, especially not after the relationship I just got out of.

What I need here is self control. And patience. Just cool off for a while and get some perspective on the relationship, whatever it is. The thing that might help. . . I can define what the relationship is for me, and let him define it for him as whatever he thinks it is for him. But I can define what it is for me. It has something to do with how he feels towards me, but it's mainly how I feel about him, what I get out of it, what I like about it, what I don't like about it.

1. The texting is out of control.
I really don't text a ton - it's just that I don't need to be texting what I am texting. It is meaningless texting, or it is sexual texting.
2. While at work, shut off the flirty side of you - you will go crazy, and you will make it his problem.
Focus on work while at work.
3. Let him try and make plans with you. Don't be so available - it is unattractive.
4. Do your thing, let him come to you if he wants to be around you. People don't like to be crowded.
5. It is a penis, for chrissake. It is pretty much perfect (except for the width thing), but it is okay. It is a penis and balls. It's not a pair of strappy Guccis. Calm down. Just admire them, touch them, enjoy them, and let them go.

It's almost as if after the relationship I got out of, I'm so excited to be back around where I was before, experiencing the things that I was REALLy enjoying experiencing, I feel so excited I can't contain myself. BUT. This is where I stop myself and tell myself that I feel like I can't contain myself, but I really can. And I really need to.

I wouldn't want to. But maybe it would help? He really is not perfect. Just very close to it. He's really self conscious about his weight loss, and is squirmy about being touched in some areas. Because of this, I have never seen his chest - he won't take off his shirt when we have sex. He doesn't like taking his boxers off, either, but he will. I told him they were hurting my pussy, which they were. He's really chatty, and sometimes (most of the time, really) overly silly and outgoing and loud sort of. ADDish. Doesn't like silence. Is rough with my pussy. Doesn't know how to be gentle. He's kind of rough with me, too, sometimes. Rough usually in a good way, but once in aw hile it's like, yeah. STOP. That hurts. One time he bit me on the stomach a couple times. HARD. And was laughing about it. GOD IT HURT. I even winced. He didn't notice. He moves too much sometimes when we're having sex. Like, I like to take control on top, it's true, because I can handle it all - not to be egotistical, it just works out well that way once in a while. It's exciting, and it feels good for both of us. I can handle it. And I like handling it. He's kind of moody. And he seems to surround himself with moody people, actually. His mom is moody, his best friend is moody, FUCK he is moody. It's almost as if they're dating. Maybe that's why he doesn't want another relationship so soon. He's dating so many of his friends that it's too overwhelming. Well I do not want to add to his drama. I hate drama, I really do. His tolerance to green is very low. It's really funny, actually. We'll both have two hits, he's done, good; I want two more. I enjoy the chocolate, but I want some green to go with it, or it doesn't balance itself out. He takes half a chocolate and feels it right away. It takes an hour at least for me to feel it. He's always kind of distracted. Wound up, but not wound up. He's not into boobs! I miss having my boobies fondled.

But he also does so much that I adore. What he calls me, for starters. He calls me darling. I love to be called adorable, he calls me that all the time. Um. The way he hears music, the way he remembers lyrics, and names. It's poetry to him, it's meaningful. The soundtrack stuff. Life is a soundtrack, and he can dictate it out to how it would be in a movie. The way he dresses himself. The way he holds himself is cute. The way he gets all excited about things. His different smiles. His hands, how he uses them. He has nice hands. GOD damn he is good at fingering me. The way he kisses is cute. He'll do a deep kiss, and then he'll just kiss my lips, like a quick smooch. He thinks my ass is ridiculous. I love that description. I think his package is ridiculous. And his red hair, light eyelashes. His blue but green eyes. His eyebrows are great (I'm really into eyebrows). His sexuality REALLY turns me on. It somewhat matches my own, and that's exciting, becuase I know just how sexual I am, and what gets me off, and really excited. How I like to be touched (all except for the clit thing - he doesn't understand the clit at all). Fuck how I wish he did. That's what I really would enjoy, and spring off of right now - an older guy who knows how to handle things. An older guy that would enjoy a younger girl, but just the sex, maybe gifts. . . I enjoy that. Like that guy John that gave me the full body massage. . . FUCKING HELL. That was so fucking hot, nevermind I was on that stuff. And Chris was ruining the experience little by little. Fucking idiot. I felt like a goddess, and then it was ruined. But I'm glad i didn't have sex with him in that way, though. It would've been too much, but I'm sure he would've been an amazing lay, what with the way he touched me so firmly but gently. Strong. Fierce. The way I was arching my back and my body into his touches. FUCK.