I must say, I am surprised at myself! The plan was to stay at Fiancee's on weekends, and that's where I'm at now. I've been here for two hours, and just got back from saying hello to Fiancee, and then running a few errands for him that he would have a hard time doing himself (as he's setup so that he can walk to everything). I thought that I would love to be back here, but... I am really not too happy to be back. Don't get me wrong -- seeing Fiancee is great, but I have not missed the atmosphere here. Or this tiny little apartment, that Fiancee has, indeed, as promised, cluttered up, and stunk up. It smells like stale tobacco, kitty litter, man sweat, and man farts in here.

I hope that I do okay this weekend. I didn't really want to be back here so soon, but I needed to help Fiancee out with some errands, like I said, and it's the weekend, and I wanted to start going by our plan/schedule (stay with Fiancee on weekends, stay in Hometown weekdays).

Errr... and, I think I have decided to take Chester the cat with me. Fiancee just can't take care of him the way he needs to be taken care of. And he's trapped inside all day, in this hot apartment. Poor little guy. I'll hold off on the puppy for a while and just see what happens.

For now, my allergies are acting up because of the smelly, neglected apartment, and I want to go back to Hometown, where right now, I might be gazing at the spectacular sunset from high up, on a huge deck, in a rather comfortable lounge chair. Instead, I have the view of... the apartments next to me, in front of me, and I hear loud rap music, and lots of other annoying sounds.

Sigh.

Puppy Love

I am in my hometown, and I am disappointed. I was going to refurbish a fifth-wheel while staying in my parents' house that is going to be rented out at the end of the month, only the trailer is not going to be able to be refurbished, as it's been badly damaged, and this house is being dismantled way too fast. I need a home down here if I'm going to be staying away from home for a year or more. I'm a little perturbed, and frustrated. I'll stay a few more days to see how things go, and I had planning on a trip up to Fiancee on Friday night, so either way, I'll get to see him soon.

It was very hard to leave home today. I left Chester the cat with Fiancee, also. I've decided I want to buy a puppy to keep me company down here, and I Fiancee and I wanted to get one, anyway. So that will be fun for me. I'm going to be looking around the shelters around town for a golden retriever puppy (that's my dream dog).

I will try to stick this weekend out, I'd rather not repeat my goodbyes with Fiancee, and I know he feels the same. Perhaps things will turn out to be more fun. Who knows?

Wednesday is the day

I'm leaving on Wednesday! I've been contacting people I used to hang out with in Hometown, and I'm excited, but getting leary here and there. Fiancee is here with me until Wednesday, when he goes back to work again. Here it goes again -- I want to go to the beach, as it's freakishly hot outside (and inside, I might add), and he wants to stay inside and play a stupid video game. So I will probably go by myself. But the thing is, if I tell him that, he'll feel pressured into going, without even pressuring him! It's kind of annoying, but kind of nice, sort of, sometimes. Meh, whatever. It's hot in here, and I want to go outside. So I'm going outside.

Fingers tightly crossed

Well, the money thing with Fiancee was a misunderstanding, it turns out. Now he just doesn't want me to go, and he's making me promise I won't leave him (for another guy). He should be more confident about our relationship. But maybe that comes with time, I don't know.

Now I just need to decide when to leave and put all of this in motion without getting emotional about it. Controlling my emotions is something I need to work on. I let them get the best of me too easily. I need to get all of this in motion BEFORE I feel the need to get emotional. Right now would be a good time, but the parents are on a weekend trip, so I have to wait until after the weekend. I hope I still feel as strong as I do about it right now by the time the weekend is over.

I'm keeping my fingers crossed.

$$ + Relationships = ?

So Fiancee is mad that I made him up a budget for while I'm gone for him to follow or not follow, and he seems to think that even with him having extra money for saving or for spending every month, I still owe him some money once in a while because he took care of me all this time.

We each did our part while living here up to this point, and you just assume that people do things out of the goodness of their hearts, not so that in the future, they can try to claim something from you in return. Right?

Our agreement is that I will live in my hometown for a year, and he will live here in our apartment for the duration of my training. We agreed that it would be good for us in that we will have a chance to live seperately and in doing that, we will experience living on our own.

I have sacrificed a lot to live with Fiancee, and I have sacrificed a lot to support Fiancee. We have supported each other. This should not be a matter of who is owed what. If we are constantly trying to settle "debts" with each other, this relationship will never be a happy, healthy one. It has never been about the money, and I don't want it to start being that way now.

I will be making less than he is, and he wants me to send him money every month? It makes no sense, and I don't feel like I owe him anything -- especially not if he thinks he is owed after all this time. That, my friend, would be seen for what it is -- BULLSHIT.

Come on! When my training is finished, I will be able to do even more for him than I already have! And he's asking for more than that? I can enable him so that he can pursue his dreams, and this is what I get for it? I'm feeling better about leaving this place and this lifestyle for a year. At the end of the year, I'll have a better perspective of all of this. Until then, it's going to be hard work. I hope I don't have to support myself in this quest, and fight for my worth all the while.

Sometimes I wonder why I'm still with this guy.

An appraiser, ME?

My dad has offered for a second (or is it third?) time to allow me to become his real estate appraiser apprentice. But this time, I'm actually considering the offer.

I have been looking for a job off and on for a year, and I am just not interested in the jobs I've seen. That, and they don't pay hardly anything at all for your time, especially if you compare it to doing little odd jobs for my dad, as he pays well.

The training to become a real estate appraiser takes a little over a year, depending on the time it takes you to complete the training. If the person training you happens to be your dad, it could be done it less than a year. Especially if he's willing you let you stay at the house/office you would be doing all of the work in, elimination any commute or even a short drive to the office, day in and day out.

If I take this opportunity (and this is my last chance, as he will be retiring soon after I'm done with my training, and if I don't train, he'll retire a lot sooner than that), I could make a minimum of $90,000/year. If I take a lot of work and take over his business, I could make more like $125,000/year.

I have always had a lot of hopes and dreams, but I never imagined I could make those hopes and dreams a reality so soon in my life.

After all of this thinking, I realized that I live 30 minutes away from my dad's business, and I live with Fiancee. So I decided to run this idea by him.

He actually suggested, after a while of talking, and realizing I was serious about this idea of mine, that I move down there temporarily and stay with my parents (or at one of their houses), and get my license. And visit on the weekends. To treat it something like if I went away to college, only a whole lot easier than that would be.

We've been discussing all of the details the past few days, and I think that I'm going to do it. I told Fiancee that I will only do it if he'll stick with me on it, and support my decision to finish it. I won't start it if I am not planning on finishing it. He agrees completely. I will be a little lonely sometimes, but I have been through this almost exact thing with Fiancee before. When we first met, neither of us had vehicles, and he lived up here, and I lived 30 minutes away. Then he moved an hour away, and I got a truck. I visited every week, usually on the weekend, sometimes only one day a week. Only this time, it's closer, and I would have the money for gas, and things to do on the weekends, and I would be staying down there for a really good reason. Not to mention that this time around, I won't be fighting upstream trying to see him. (My father was always against our relationship, until fairly recently.)

My dad actually offered to buy us a house nearby down there, and rent it to us before we could afford to own it ourselves. But Fiancee is not in a position to drop everything and move, and I don't want him to sacrifice his roots (he's moved a lot during his life, and he has just become comfortable here). He can afford the place himself, because since we moved in here, he has been the one with the job, and I've just been here. We've always had difficulty with balance because of that fact, and here's my chance to make things right! When I am trained, and I get established, I will be able to easily pay for his schooling to become what he wants to be -- a welder. I could even buy him an inexpensive car.

So many opportunities within this one opportunity. It's almost mind-boggling. I'm trying to keep it positive.

Chester/Parents

Last night I talked to Chester, my cat, on the phone.

Fiancee had been complaining that Chester was being whiny and meowing all the time, and when he tried petting him, he'd just run away. So I told Fiancee I needed to talk to Chester, and to put the phone out to him. I heard him meowing, and then Fiancee told me that when I started talking, Chester stopped mewing and rubbed his nose over the phone, nuzzling it.

I miss my kitty and I am really missing my baby. I will be home Sunday night.

I am getting a little tired of being the mediator (sp?) for my parents. They need to go to a counselor and learn and to talk to one another. Not to mention, learn the difference between they way they communicate (my mom FEELS, and my dad THINKS -- and instead of meeting half-way, they assume they can get their point across by doing it something like this:

Mom: "I feel like I am not being heard, and that makes me feel worthless."

Dad: "I think you should stop thinking of it that way, and you should start focusing on things that make you happy rather than sad."

The hard thing is that they both have their points to get across, but neither of them will step down from their pedestal to do so -- they've gotten to the point where it's just too hard to sacrifice things for each other. When you're in the midst of a loving relationship, you try to find ways to sacrifice things for one another rather than avoiding the prospect.

I feel bad for them, but at the same time I wish they'd stop being selfish and start caring a little more -- I mean, hell, isn't it worth it to mend a 30+ year relationship?

My hometown

I have been staying at my parents' house for almost a week now!

Patrick and I came to a fork in the road when I stopped threatening to leave and stay with my parents, and actually fuckin' just did it, instead of threatening. If you don't do what you say you might do, then your threats mean nothing, and I got tired of feeling like a pussy. That, and feeling like a yo-yo.

Long story short, I got tired of not getting the respect I feel I am warranted, not to mention being told that I don't do enough around the house and in the relationship to warrant my opinion being heard, and advice to be taken note of. At least that's how I felt when I was about to leave.

I did a lot of thinking and mulling, and had several talks with Fiancee over the phone, and I decided that I had asked for a lot of the treatment he'd been giving me -- although it's no excuse to be getting that particular treatment anyway. But the fact is --

YOU teach people how you want to be treated.

YOU, and no one else. And I've decided it's time for me to take responsibility, instead of blaming others for how I taught them to treat me. It's silly, really.

I've been having an interesting, but overall, nice time being with my parents, and hanging out in my hometown. I've been mostly helping my dad with digging ditches with his little tractor, painting trim and exterior siding, etcetera. And helping to break the barrier of communication between my parents.

I understand both of my parents usually, and this week, I've had to "translate" for them, just so they would GET what each other way saying. It is kind of sad, but I suppose there aren't many people who really establish good communication in a relationship any more. My mom is depressed, and when you're depressed, as I have experience myself, you can't really differentiate between rational and irrational thoughts, and sometimes you need a little help. That, and you feel guilt for taking care of yourself, and those sort of things. My mom and I are very alike, so I've been able to help her, although it's so strange to me, being so young, and feeling like everyone else in the family just sits and watches the show rather than, after so long of seeing what's been going on, and habits forming over time, to actually SAY something or DO something in some way to help, without seeming like you're helping!!!

Anyway, it's king of mind-boggling, doing this, being here... but I suppose after your parents raise you and go through so much shit in doing it, they are entitled to some TLC themselves. But I'm starting to feel like a referree (sp?) instead of a daughter who cares. It's about time for me to split and go back home. I miss Fiancee, anyway. Plus, I need to go home to take care of my stupid landlord. I was raised hearing about tenants and rent and all this crap, and she can't even communicate with me. She was supposed to hold onto a check until a certain time, and then cash it. Now she's trying to tell me I owe her a late fee now.

Meh. My mind is a bit scrambled, and I need to go let it rest and defragment for a while.

I all the sudden just got really tired.

Balance/Imbalance

Well, things are feeling a little more normal now -- only normal hasn't been comfortable for a while now. However, Fiancee is letting me take more control over our finances, and I can tell already that things will only be more comfortable after this month of trying out our new budget. I am very happy about this change in our lives.

After I've settled the debt I feel I have with my dad, I will then get a job outside of helping him. In the meantime, he feels he needs to pay me for working for him, but this is our way of doing each other favors. It's really strange, but it just works between him and I.

I'm taking a couple days off starting today, and Patrick will have a day off tomorrow, so this weekend will be pleasant if we can balance having our days off together. I think it will be easier than normal to have him around, because I'll feel like relaxing and not doing anything as he will. Not to mention I won't feel like I need to be doing something, because I deserve this day off with him, whereas usually, I feel like I am being utterly lazy.

Things are, once again, looking up. It seems to me like life is one big wave -- rolling into the shores, and rolling out into the sea. It is really hard to maintain your balance when everything it constantly moving in and out.

Painting the Garage

Well, I spent the day painting my parents' garage to a newly-remodeled house they have decided to move into. It was nice to spend time with the parents, and it was nice to do a little project. My dad will pay me whatever he likes; I've decided I'm doing him the favor of helping, as he did me by buying me my new car. But he'll pay me, because he says he doesn't feel I owe him any favors. What a nice dad! He's been really good to me lately. He is always trying to make up for mistakes on his part in the past. That's how I know he's thinking of the past -- he does something for me that is really meaningful.

I have yet to see the red light camera ticket. I hope that it doesn't come, or that the pictures are obscured by the rain/darkness/my lack of a new and improved license plate, et cetera.

I had a talk with Fiancee after letting some air pass between us, and I sat down with him and showed him a budget plan, and how we could end up saving every month instead of waiting until the last two paychecks to pay rent with, letting the bills run up, and using money we don't have to buy fast food that costs way too much. He told me he was impressed with the plan I came up with, and that he was reluctant to let me have some control in the fianances, because he figured that being the head of the household meant to do everything himself. I tried explaining to him that I've learned that to be in control of something, you need to delegate responsibilities to people, and that way, you have less responsibility yourself, and you have less weight on your shoulders. I also explained that once in a while I feel like I'm taken for granted, and I feel like leaving the house and staying away for a day or two, just so that Fiancee can see what exactly I do for him on a daily basis -- and that most women, especially my age, will not do anything close to what I do.

In other news, I cleaned my new car finally -- top to bottom. I am very pleased with how it looks. The previous owner obviously hadn't cleaned it regularly, because the car looks completely different now that it's clean. It was very nostalgic for me to clean the car, because my mom owned a car extremely similar to mine -- same color, same model; but older, and different interior color -- and I used to clean it all the time until it was spotless, as I loved it so much. She and I would go shopping and run errands together in it all the time. : )

Fiancee is getting off work early tonight, so I'm off to pick him up, and hopefully have a chipper evening with him.

Finances

I am really frustrated right now.

I grew up knowing a lot about finances, and how to save money, and how even if you have money, to keep that money, you need to invest, and save it. Fiancee grew up with parents that spent whatever they had, without much thought for the future. His dad and stepmom are, at age fifty, only now thinking of retirement, and my parents could've retired ten years ago, and they're the same age. This the difference in how we think of money.

Fiancee has two credit cards, and they are both maxed out. This month he is getting an extra check, and instead of saving that extra money for next month for rent, he wants to put it ALL back into his credit lines, and start using his cards again. This makes no sense, and he won't listen to me. I am so frustrated.

But, I am glad that I will have a job soon, so that I can help get the finances in order. Sometimes, in relationships, the one who most knows about something should have more control of that something they know more about.

I will not live in an apartment building for more than a year or two more. I can't take it, and I will not be dug into a hole I cannot get out of. I am smarter than this. And it hurts me that Fiancee does not seem to be himself. You have to be able to think above where you are financially, and any other way -- if you're in a crappy job, use it as a stepping stone, and get past it to something better, but never forget where you actually are, and where you have been, or you're going to be lost.

New Car!

My dad decided last week that he wanted to replace my truck, because after hearing of my not being able to stop in time with the red light camera incident, he wanted to make me more safe on the roads. Within a week, he had found a car that runs, that is inexpensive (VERY), that is five years older than my old clunker truck, has automatic everything, A/C, no body damage, and gets 35 mpg!

I am pretty impressed.