Chester the Cat

My kitty has been gone since early yesterday morning. I had been exhausted when I went to bed, and when I heard him meow early in the morning to get inside, I didn't get up and let him in, because I needed sleep. I haven't seen him since. I should've let him inside, but now I'm extremely torn up about my Chester being gone. I hope that he comes back, but only part of me thinks that he will. He has never been gone for more than a couple hours, or half a day, and now he's been gone for almost two days. I feel like my world is crumbling around me, and before Chester was my refuge in a way, and now all I can do is look for where he used to be -- behind the couch, on one of the chairs, curled up; sprawled out on the wood floor, making himself look like a pure brown cat by rolling around in the dirt, running up to the trailer when I come in at night, responding to my calling his name, meowing in the middle of the night because he's lonely or wants to play... I can always get another cat, but I was under the impression that I wouldn't have to get another one for quite some time. I've only had Chester for less than a year, and he's already gone. I've had so many cats over the years, and they've all gone missing, gotten hit by cars, been driven to run away, gotten hurt by other animals... and I was really careful with this cat, and he was the closest I've been to any cat I've had. He helped me get through the changes I've endured the past year. He's my snuggly kitty. I didn't want another cat, I wanted this one. He's special, and I was the only one he really liked and snuggled around. When he cuddled with me, he would rub his chin into me, and my shirt would be wet when he had had enough time to cuddle. He had awesome glowing yellow-amber eyes, and a scarf pattern of white across his front over his black fur. I never liked black cats, but this one was special, and very handsome, with the glossiest black coat of fur I've ever seen. I really don't think I'll ever see him again. And I fear it's my fault for not letting him inside. Instead he got scared and ran away, and probably got lost. And I have no control over if he comes back or not.

I can only look for him where he used to be.

"All you wanted me to do was apologize?"

This is a rant.

HB went out the other night with two of the nastiest girls at his work, and drank with them. The next day, he went to work and they nasty girls had told everyone what a great time they had (wink, wink), and so everyone had thought they had all slept together, or at least that one of them had slept with HB.

And HB decided to disclose all of this in detail to me, along with all of the flirting that was coming his direction, and did NOT bother to mention that he did not enjoy himself, and that he would never do it again (which he later said, after I told him I was upset about what I had heard). In my opinion, I reacted quite well considering how most other women would react. He decided that it wasn't fair for me to react this way, and that instead of apologizing and talking it out, he decided he wanted to argue, and not say that he regretted doing it or that he wouldn't do it anymore, or that he wouldn't tell me details, or not let people get a bad impression of me because of the things HE does with his time...

He is sometimes just so shallow. I'm pissed at him. I wanted to see him this weekend, partly because he wanted to see me after our visit earlier this week, but when I asked if he still wanted to hang out on Friday, he said he wasn't sure. So I said I wouldn't come if he wasn't sure if he wanted me to be there, for lots of reasons, DUH, and he got pissy.

AND I am having to work overtime to pay off his phone bill (because it's still in my name, and if I don't pay it off it will reflect badly on my credit) so that he can keep his phone. He chooses to spend his money on things he does NOT need, and that are expensive, and usually illegal, and then whines to me when he doesn't have enough money for bills and payments and all of the things he DOES need.

He tries telling me that it isn't fair that I can hang out with guys alone and he can't hang out with girls alone -- I NEVER hang out with men alone. NEVER. That has been my rule, and I don't feel comfortable doing it because I KNOW myself better than to put myself in a situation that I would feel tempted to cheat or do something that would harm HB or myself. I've been there, done that. One rule of a relationships is to NOT bring up past baggage that was difficult and time-constraining to get over. You just don't. Not unless you want a whole different argument to start up, that is. But maybe he was in the mood to argue.

So. I told him that if he wasn't in the mood to make up, then neither was I, and I hoped he had a good weekend, and that I would talk to him later, as I needed to go do something productive with my time, as this conversation was obviously not such.

And then he said, "All you wanted me to do was apologize?"

!!!!!!!!!???!!!!!!!!!!

The only good thing that came of the phone conversation is we decided we should spend time together when we both have some cash flow, so that we can actually go out and do things we can BOTH enjoy, rather than staying in a stupid f'ing apartment and watching him get stoned, and then watching him get horny as hell, and then watching myself get pissed as hell at him for being such a dumbshit, and getting mad at myself at that point for even going up there at all, instead of doing my own thing, figuring MY life out, and enjoying my free time.

Grilled BBQ chicken sandwiches, we are, indeed.

Okay. The situation is resolved for now.

It's been fucking over 100degrees outside in the daytime (which means it's about 80degrees at night, all night) for three days now! It is NEVER this hot in WA! Maybe in Eastern WA, but not Northwest WA.

HB likes the new me, and I do, too. I visited overnight, and attempted sleep in the sweltering heat... but it felt good to be there for a short while nevertheless. I'm glad that HB and I are doing alright. On second thought -- we're doing better than we've ever been. Which feels good. I just needed to stop placing blame and work my own problems out for a change.

Grilled BBQ chicken sandwiches are calling... not to mention I myself, and my family is starting to look like grilled BBQ chicken sandwiches in this fucking heat...

Fucking CHRIST

I am so pissed right now. I've spent the last couple days packing things from the house I'm staying at to this property, where I'll be staying for the next who knows how long, and now, after I've got almost ALL of the shit packed, I can't even stay here yet, beacuse the trailer I'll be staying in temporarily will not be possible to be plugged in (for A/C and TV, etc.), so my moving things was, basically, FUCKING POINTLESS. And, it would have worked out if my father hadn't decided he needed to move the trailer from where it was earlier to where it is now. So this is complete SHIT. Until Monday, I have to go back to where I was. Which is fine, but I could have done without all the fucking packing in 50% humidity and 90degree weather, and dust and crap.

Christ.

Growing up is hard to do.

Man, it is hard to be okay with being alone sometimes. It's the hardest at night, I must say. I got a book that is basically about being okay with being alone, but so far it has not been helping. I think that it will be easier when I am set up to live somewhere that is not temporary, and not so fucking huge. I am living in my parents' old house, and it's about 1500sf. And I am reconnecting with old friends, and that is not easy, either. I have been so comfortable living in Lakewood with HB that now I'm tearing myself away from the comfort, and I have to make a new comfort, and it has been really hard. I am one of those people that is always around other people. Always. So this is weird and uncomfortable for me. Every once in a while I just want to throw myself at HB again, and move back in with him so that I can go back to everything being easy. But then I remember that things were not easy, they were just comfortable, because I've been there for a year and a half. And my parents are always around, and my mother is an emotional wreck, and she is rubbing off on me again. And she and my dad tell each other EVERYTHING, as I had forgotten, so I can't tell her things, either, unless I want her interpretation of what I tell her getting back to my dad. And I don't. You have to keep things on a certain level with my dad, or he gets too much control, and things are no longer hunky-dory. I miss HB, and I miss my old life, as much as my new life will be better, I still miss the old life. It's hard growing up.

Negativity and Thoughts of Cheating

My stomach is tied up into little knots, and I wish there was something I could really do to get EVERYTHING going on off my mind, but I can't seem to find something like that.

HB said the other day that over the course of the past few months, he had thought about cheating on me. First of all, WHY the FUCK did he even MENTION it?! Second of all, he considers himself the most loyal person in the universe, and if he had really considered cheating, that would mean that he should think very low of himself, especially if he fucking admitted it to me.

So, I tried to be cool with him telling me, because I think it's important to be able to talk about anything in a relationship, and that just ended up making me all pissy, because I was holding the feelings inside, instead of telling how the FUCK I feel about him telling me that he almost cheated on me, just because I was soul-searching and trying to figure out what the fuck I should do with my life. And, what makes that worse... well, several things make it worse. One, I stuck by him when HE went through his hard time, his soul-searching time, and didn't complain about him, and CERTAINLY did not consider or even think about cheating on him. And I'm a nympho. Second -- I asked him every week, almost, if what I was doing was 'okay' with him, and I asked whether it was getting too hard for him to support me and himself. And he NEVER said it was too much. I started looking for a job, and I ended up moving to Hometown to apprentice as an appraiser.

I've been at HB's house since Thursday night, and ever since I got here, I have also had problems with his negativity, because it seems like every time I spend time away from here, I realize what is really 'wrong' with the way that he lives, and those little antics that bother me. He rarely if ever has anything really positive to say about anything or anyone. I used to be an incredibly positive person, and after being with him for so long, I have become really negative, and I hate it. I am going to start calling him on it, after I confront him about it.

If he doesn't want to work through relationship issues while we're on our break-type-deal, then tough. I'll just cut to the chase and break up with him now. Granted, I will be losing my best friend, but I'll find another one eventually, damnit.

I feel really weak right now, seeing as how I'm stuck in the middle of several different things at once. I'm working towards a professional career, trying to get used to living alone, trying to seek out old friends I used to hang around with, and trying to find a comfortable medium with HB while we're "apart." I'm really stressed out, and sometimes I feel like I just can't take any more shit piled on me.

I can't be a trampoline amongst all the other things that are going on. I can't be expected to work for the week, be alone, and then visit HB on the weekends, pack up all my shit, and be subjected to his bachelor ways. And on top of that have to hear things like him thinking about cheating on me, even now, when things are somewhat worked out. I almost feel like I should just cut him loose and let him fuck whoever the HELL he wants, and then make sure that he realizes he won't be getting anything out of it but possibly a good fuck. If he can't be true to be during the hard times now, why should I think he will be true to me later on when things are much, much harder than now?

I'm going to ask him just that. And if he can't give me a sufficient answer, I'm gone. I deserve better.

Hunky Boyfriend/Impatient Dad

Hunky Boyfriend (formerly known as Fiancee) and I talked, and we decided that instead of ending things now, we will take a few steps back from each other while we're exploring single-dom, and living on our own. But we are still a couple, and still very much in love. Hunky Boyfriend is getting quite ripped. I like it, much.

My father is quite an impatient man, I've decided. But if I can deal with him, it will mean I can deal with anyone, because he is quite difficult sometimes. Today I went with him to do an inspection on a house, and he showed me how to measure and sketch the property. We stopped at a local cherry stand, and got bing and rainier cherries. They were very tasty, but because of looking down at addresses and directions combined with my dad's increasingly-bad driving, I got a little nauseated and couldn't continue eating the yummy delights. Lol. I just said yummy delights. Anyhow, I visited Hunky Boyfriend last night after talking to him on the phone, and we had some hoooot sex, and enjoyed some herbal remedy. I fell asleep, and had to get up three hours later to go back to Hometown, so I've felt very ditzy and out of it all day. I have to get up early again tomorrow, but the difference will be the sleep I'll get tonight. So it will be okay.

I am off to get in the Jacuzi and watch television, and eat something tasty for dinner. Ciao.

Long, hard road.

I think that Fiancee is leaving my picture. He is going a different direction than I am, and things are just piling up against the choice of staying and fighting, and just letting him go. We talked last night, and he said it was too important for him to go his own direction, and experience what he needs to experience. So I think I need to go, and let him do his thing. Maybe we'll get back together if things change, but I've been neglecting things that I shouldn't. I really love him, but he does not love me the same way. And after seeing all of that, I just can't stay any longer. I wish I could, but it's too hard to pretend. I need to go my own direction, also. I want to grow up, and he just doesn't. I'm incredibly sad, and I think I need to go on a road trip of some kind. Get used to being alone, and get used to doing my own thing, and not worrying about what he's doing. It will be a long, hard road.

Cat Nap

Fiancee is such a good, well, fiancee. I was sneezing, and I told him the smells in the apartment were bothering me, so he cleaned the apartment (for the most part). It was a nice gesture, because I didn't expect him to clean anything; I didn't want to, because then I would be upset with him. I'm getting better about things like that. As much as I would like to be back in Olympia right now, I am feeling better about being here.

Late last night Chester the cat went on an adventure! He was gone until this afternoon, and he was covered from head to toe in an oily substance and a lot of dirt. So he had to get a bath. He took it pretty well, and I escaped with only a scratch on my thumb. He's been hiding underneath the couch ever since.

I have decided to give up my parking permit for covered parking, because it costs Fiancee an extra $20/month, and I'll only be here for weekends. I will probably start paying it again, because in the winter months, it's a MUST to have that parking spot. I am a little hesitant to give it up, in fear that I won't get it back, and in the meantime, I have to park away from the building, and out in the open. If it were still my truck, I wouldn't really care. Maybe I should rethink relinquishing the covered slot.

I rented a few chick movies to watch while Fiancee is at work. He at least went to work later than usual today (6pm rather than 2:30pm). But with nothing to do around here, I do get a little antsy and bored. Hopefully the movies will help. Or maybe I'll read my new novel. Or maybe I'll just take a cat nap...