Fall!

Rain, rain, rain. I absolutely adore the first few weeks that it starts raining in the Fall. I love buying Fall clothing, fresh sheets, and new pajamas. I have two 4-month old kittens that are incredibly sweet and like to share my book-reading time with me by cuddling on either side of me, sometimes on top of each other sprawled out like they weigh a million pounds and would never want to get up even if they could. This year, I have a car equipped for nasty weather, and a job that is equally convenient for this time of year. I hope to be making more money soon, as I am still an apprentice and not being paid what I would be normally. I have an old friend that I recently rekindled my frienship with, and we go back so far, it's as if we never parted ways. But when people are busy, and I have run out of things to do, I get lonely. I am trying to find ways of fixing this problem before I come to it, but it can be hard. I confessed to HB that I would leave him, but I wouldn't know what to do with my heart. I confessed why I would leave him, and he seems to have changed his perspective. Hopefully he pulls through with what I need from the relationship. I have given so much to the relationship, I just need him to meet me in the middle, at the very least. I think he understands now. He has been very sweet ever since our conversation about all of this.

Rain, rain, rain.

I have a cold. But I am not cold.

I am happy, but I am sad.

I love HB, but I'm exhausted from it.

It is easy to be with HB. It is hard to be with HB.

I want to be with HB, and yet I do not.

I want to leave HB, and yet I do not.

I want to start over with another guy, and yet I don't feel like I have the
energy.

I want to start over with a different guy, and yet I am feeling guilty even thinking about that, because I feel like HB needs me, and if I leave him, he will fall through the cracks, yet again. He's already on his way...

I don't want to be his mom. I want to be his woman. He wants the same, but he can't handle me for who I am. He makes me sick sometimes. And yet he is charming other times. But the inbetween, the medium, I feel sick because of what he is doing, and because of that, who he seems to have turned into.

I don't think he fully understands what I am about anymore, and that I am tired of reaching into his hole to fish him out. I am tired of lowering myself in the hole at the same time, when I'm trying to grow and get past childhood. I feel like I could be better off with someone else. But I'm scared. Scared of hurting him, scared of being hurt. Scared of leaving. Scared of maybe missing out of what he might turn into. But I know better than to waste years of turmoil and immaturity and games just to find out that there is a 50/50 chance of himing turning into what I want. I have been waiting more than two years, I am sick of waiting. I need it. I need it so badly.

All I really want is a strong man who can handle who I am, who my family is and who can handle it all without freakouts and immaturity and DRAMA.

Fuck drama. And fuck fear.