Full Circle. Full Sail.

Seriously, I've made a full circle. I've been in survival mode for so many years in my life (as long as I can remember, really) that I've had to consciously try to switch out of it, back into "I'm alive and I can move on!"

What is it I used to do that I enjoyed, for myself? I skated. I played the violin. I listened to music. I wrote. I went for long walks. I organized things. I read books. Long, hot baths. Made crazy recipes. Shopping. Decorating. I love the beach and parks. Quads. Being outside. Concerts. Jamming (before). Hmm.

Anyway, I need to remember this consciously more so that I can move on even more and have renewed energy for life and enjoy it. I almost feel like I wasted so much life on all of that stupid shit I've been doing for so long... almost. But I learned so much. And I feel like I know so much about people because of it. Down and out. High and dry. I am ready to move on now.

Porn.

So, H asked me last night (while we were high, which wasn't fair as an afterthought) "You don't care about porn, do you?" I told him what he wanted to hear,instead of how I felt. Mostly because I was high, and he's always related stories about stupid boys at his shop that have girl issues. So, of course, I said, "I would watch it with you, I don't care." And also, "I tried renting some once but couldnt' find anything that wasn't overly raunchy".

After a conversation like this, whenever a sexual topic comes up, I re-think it afterwards and have a different opinion. Then I approach the subject with H again and he will probably get flustered because I am now reacting differently to a topic he probably thought was closed and that there were no underlying feelings I didn't voice.

But, seriously. We just got married. We are pretty stressed - we live in a huge house that we're remodeling here and there, and are being forced our hand to refinance to pay back my dad who is now getting hard up for money and is having health problems (a totally new thing to me -- he's been as healthy as anyone and never hurts himself). So, that being said, we haven't been having as much sex as normal. Plus, we had recently tried to encourage our sex life... I had finally expressed to him that he has a huge dick, and that he needs to take it easy on me when we have sex, because it actually hurts sometimes, plus he gets so excited he overdoes it and then I don't enjoy it at first, which seriously sucks. Otherwise we have amazing sex. So anyways, we've been trying to spice up the sex lately anyway as it is.

But after this conversation, it made me question whether or not he was masturbating to porn or something! I had asked him earlier in the week if he masturbated, when was the last time... blah, blah. Just because I never thought of him as that kind of guy. Which he's not. But he is not very forthcoming on the topic. Makes me feel like he's hiding something, when maybe when he gets up in the morning and he goes in the bathroom for twenty minutes that he's masturbating and shitting all the while me not knowing. I don't care -- but I don't want to feel like he's hiding something when I ask him point blank these questions.

Also he had said in the porn talk that if he needed to masturbate to porn, he would. I asked him why he would, and he said "If I'm not getting sex". We haven't been having that much sex. I would say 3-5 times a week right now. At the beginning of this it was 1-3 times a day! I really am not a fan of feeling pressured to have sex and to perform in our sex life when maybe I'm freaking under a lot of stress and don't feel like a giant dick going in and of my vagina, whether it is super good sex or not. And he always has his junk out and always wants sex. I used to always want sex. But I have too much going on right now. And I suppose there are other reasons I punish myself because I never end up really forgiving myself for things that I've done. But seriously.

I had no idea he would watch porn and masturbate. Not sure how to approach this subject with him, but I had a nightmare last night about him and other women -- and I feel that if you are watching a woman and having sexual thoughts, that is some form of cheating.

Not cool. Now how do I bring this topic up again? He hates it when I do this...