Well, fuck. I just realized that I got somewhere in my life, and I don't know anything about it. I don't know how it happened, how I got here, what I decided, and who I talked to along the way, and what they said to me. I am in the middle of my life and I don't know what the fuck is going on. Am I dreaming, or is this my reality now? My reality has changed so much, that it doesn't seem real to me anymore. What do I do? Who am I now? Have I changed, or just changed my perspective and opinion of myself? What is it that has changed?

I have a regular job that is alright. I have friends at my job that I hang out with and am pretty good friends with. I have a boyfriend that is tall, hot, nice and smart. We work at the same store. I work at a store. I am good with customers at my store. I am good at my job, but fed the fuck up with a lot of the people I work with. I live at the apartment we all built for me at my parents' property. I am paying off some bills and taking some time to recollect my thoughts and my finances - then I will be moving on - somewhere, with someone? Maybe. I have a car that needs an engine, but somehow it gets me to work and around town. I try to remember and put oil in it before the oil light comes on, and there is always gas in it. I enjoy driving. I enjoy listening to music, and have been introduced to a lot of music more recently, and in fact; my taste has started to slightly change. My ear has been re-perked. I want badly to play music, and lately, have a little bit - I am trying to put to sleep that part of my past musical life, and start a new one. I have made a tad bit of progress. Any good musician listens to good music and gets it in his head - you play what you hear. You play what you think. You play what you see.

You Play What You Feel.

I just took two melatonin, and I'm wondering how long I will be out for. I shut off my phone, I have nothing really to do tomorrow; I don't want to do anything tomorrow. I don't really want to do anything Saturday, but I guess I will be helping Drew with moving the last of his stuff. I offered to help before, this time he basically asked me. Shrug.

Drew can be confusing. Drew can be exactly what I want and need, and then he can just make me uncomfortable. It reminds me of needy/time consuming/. . . I know.

High-maintenance boyfriend.

I just had one, and although they are quite different boys, . . . they are certainly both sort of high-maintenance. I am certainly ready for this one, but I am not entirely convinced he is ready for me. It might be bad timing. I know we fit really well. I think maybe though he's a little shy. Maybe not; maybe he's just traveling to another state of mind and place in life as well. I'm pretty sure he is; yes, he is. But I just. I have this curse, and it's knowing what I want, and when I want it, and how long I can wait for it, and if it's worth it to wait or if I should just go ahead, or if I should cut it off because I already know where it's headed and how it will turn out.

The problem is actually following this instinct that I feel in my gut.

Like earlier at Drew's, I just felt the urge to leave, like: now is the time to get out of here. I don't want to say another word, look at him, or do anything. I just want to leave now. He spoke to me in a gruff, authorative voice: DOWN to me. It was really amazing that he could be capable of sounding that way. I just became deeply upset by it, like I was about to start crying, and I was just going to leave. I kissed his forehead to go and said bye and he wanted a kiss, and I wouldn't kiss him. . . I was trying to make it seem like I was just playing, but I really just did not want to kiss him. I didn't feel like it. I didn't feel like it was appropriate, like it fit the situation, said what I wanted to say. What I wanted to say was this:

I am not just another girl. I am not a girl that's going to filter in and out of your apartment and make friendly with all the girls your roommate/best friend fuck. Yes, fuck. Not sleep with. I am not that girl, and I am not your girl if that's what you want of me. I'm not the girl that stays over and then stays in the apartment waiting for the guy to get back for another round. I am a really good lay. Yes, it is the truth. I have never heard or experienced otherwise; I'm not ashamed to admit it, and I am actually proud of that part of me. I enjoy that part of me very much, even though it always gets me into trouble.

But, fuck.

I know you don't feel good, and I know you don't mind having me around when you don't, but that you would rather I wasn't there right now - - - but do you express this to me? Of course not. Yeah, I don't want to kiss you right now, so why don't you just let it go, let me go, let me go and do whatever I want with the melatonin you gave me. I have a high tolerance to drugs, and I know what I can and cannot handle. And I know what I need, and want, and feel, at least better than anyone else to my knowledge does. I am not just another girl to filter in and out of your life. Even now, when I'm your girlfriend (I think? You never really asked me.), you don't really know and haven't asked or tried to find out how exactly I feel about you. Even though you don't need verbal, all you need to do is look at me, notice how I notice you, how I move with you, the look in my eyes when I see you. The little things I try to do to make you happy. I would love to just get out of here for a week and drive. Drive, drive, drive. Drive away from the little messes that need to be cleaned up; drive away from the relationships that need attention; drive away from the weather that broods and causes me to brood; the lack of time I now possess to do what it is I want to do in my lifetime; . . . drive away from Drew for a while. I see him so much. I don't have room to think it through. I can't help it; it's crazy. He' s at work, he's at home sometimes, he's at his house; I'm at his house. He has some of the same friends as I do. They always ask, "How's Drew?" And now that we have three days off simultaneously, everyone at work will be asking how the weekend was. "How's Drew?" And knowing smile and liggle (a slight laugh and a slight giggle) under their breath. FUCK. FUCK YOU ALL. WHY DO YOU REALLY CARE? I KNOW YOU DON"T care, BUT WHY DO YOU TAKE THE TIME, WHY DO YOU BOTHER? FUCK!

I just feel like letting myself fall to the ground for a while. I'll climb back up when I need to, you know? No need to be on standby all the time. Just relax. Let it all fall to the groun. When you wake up you can decide what needs to be done, what doesn't, and what you are going to do, and what you are not going to do.

I'm tired of trying to figure things out. You figure things out for a while.