Men/women VS. Women/men

I have been thinking lately about the way most women treat most men.

Nevermind how men treat women -- that whole issue has been visited and stressed for much too long.

It's great that it is common knowledge that women were abused, and men abused their power. But that laundry is not dirty anymore. It has been aired out, fuck!

Men are being treated very badly when a lot of them really do not deserve anything but respect. Granted, there are some slimebags out there, but those ones are obviously slimebags, and women, if they're so smart, need to figure out that if they don't want to be treated badly by those men, they need to steer clear of them, not challenge them and piss off guys who have gaskets ready to blow. I think that it's gotten to the point that women are asking for the bad treatment. It was one thing when men were getting away with horrible things, but the scale has tipped the other way at this point.

Women are not seen as the weaker sex anymore. But you know something? It is not supposed to be that way. The physiology of men proves that they are supposed to have roles that women just cannot, as capable as they might seem, take the roles that men are meant to have. They aren't meant to take shrapnel in the Army, they aren't meant to be construction workers, they aren't meant to take beatings over and over. Men can take those beatings, and they do it willingly! Why not let them do what they were meant to do and get out of their way! Why not go get your nails done, and raise children, and do things the way they are naturally meant to be done?

People are always trying to go against the grain. Why? Why make your life so much harder? Why is it such a bad thing to go with the natural way of things? Why do you think it is that men have such problems with women in power positions? Women are not meant to challenge men. Of course men are going to be upset and there is going to be friction in the military between men and women. Of course the women are going to be hurt -- and then those women will be angry that they simply CAN'T compete with the men -- and then they sue those men that they can't beat naturally.

Men are not meant to be harassed and dragged down and beaten. Men will do just that to take care of their families -- why not just let them do what they do best and leave them the fuck alone?!

Assuming men are all the same is just FOOLISHNESS.

Men are to be cherished by women. And women are to be cherished by men. Nothing good comes from men and women stepping out of their roles. Embrace your fucking roles in life!

What is more attractive to you as a man --

1) A delicate woman who takes care of herself and those around her
2) A woman who thrashes her body, that competes with you, and that doesn't have any maternal instinct

Men are willing and able to sacrifice themselves for you! Why shove that aside and do it yourself?! There is no point, and you are not proving anything to anyone. Women like you bring me shame to be a woman.

You can't say that I don't understand, either. I have been around some pretty mean guys all throughout my life. You can't say I haven't been there myself. I have, and I came up on top, and I haven't lost my feminine characteristics. I am still a woman. Why are you letting people take that away from you? A woman can be the most beautiful thing, why waste that opportunity? It goes against everything! Give it up!

Men in the workplace

Fiancee works with four other guys at work in one of the better departments in a grocery store. About a month and a half ago, his manager was basically forced to leave his department, and another was hired. The new manager has been on Patrick's ass ever since. I always figure there are reasons for people treating other people badly, and I like to find out what those reasons are.

Men want to compete with and ultimately, be better than the man next to him. So when you're in the same boat with another man, and the man next to you is better off than you, or is ahead of the game, that man then has to somehow make you seem worse off than he actually is.

I mean, come on. All the guys that Fiancee works with are six to ten years older than he is, with kids and mortgages to pay, and they have the same job as Fiancee. If I were the men working next to Fiancee, I would certainly feel like a failure, or at least question my success as a person.

But nothing changes the fact that it was their choice to choose the job that they have, and start a family the way that they did. They way I see it, these men are sore losers, and they can't deal with it.

But that doesn't change the fact that we all have to co-exist, and that means even if the man next to you is being difficult, you have to make it work. So I'm still thinking on how one would make something like this work.

My Broken Past

When I was ten years old, I went to a bluegrass music festival with my parents. I met a guy that was sixteen, and as I was a horny little kid, as I always was for some reason, I snuck into the night with him the night before the last day of the festival, to a park, and he forced himself on me.

I can't say that I remember the incident explicitly, I just remember bleeding and thinking that I was pregnant. The only person I told about this incident until two years ago was my childhood best friend. She never thought of me in the same way, and we slowly drifted apart.

Weeks later, I didn't know what to think of anything anymore, as I believed that I was a ten-year-old who was going to have the baby of a white boy who thought he was the greatest black gangster ever, who had a mother that he cussed out on a regular basis -- his mom also returned the words.

This was the root of my depression. During that Summer, I took a vacation in our family RV, and while the family was out and about, I took a bottle of Ibuprofen, Advil -- anything I could find. When nothing happened, I claimed that I felt flu-ish to my family, and they believed me.

That was the root of my disgust towards my family. Years later, I was drinking a bottle of wine alone at home (my siblings had all moved out by this time), and got drunk enough to decide that I wanted to take my antidepressants, as well as a bottle of Benadryl. My parents got home late that night, almost too late, it turned out. They found me half-naked, playing music that was too loud even for me, and I was cutting all of my hair off. My mom didn't really have any idea what to do, or any idea what I had done. My dad did. He knew he needed to get me to the hospital, and fast. My family has never gotten to know me -- with the exception of my mom. She is the greatest mom ever. She has never left my side, and never given up on me.

After that night, I stayed at the hospital for a couple days, and my dad "figured" that I did this "stunt" to piss him off; to spite him. I was angry with him for saving my life for a long time. To this day he thinks I did it to spite him. He doens't realize that it was a cry for help.

Because of all this, my mom tells me, she realized that my dad was not the person she thought he was, and she decided that the time had come for her to stand up for herself and not let my dad rule her life. She has been a completely different person ever since.

I lived a pretty crazy life after that incident, and didn't really care for myself the way I should have. I slept with anyone I felt like sleeping with, with or without protection; I didn't care. Luckily, I never got any diseases or anything. I am, indeed, a lucky person.

At the end of that crazy summer, one of my "friends" gave me her phone, because she needed to go do something. The guy she was talking to was her current fling, and my future Fiancee. I talked to him for hours that night, and we talked every night for a month until we met in person. When we met, we just held each other.

At the time that we first met, he had considered ending his life, as well. The start of his depression or decline was when his mom left his father and him when he was seven. She didn't tell his dad before she left, she told him. She also added that the reason she was leaving was that she needed to find herself, and that she didn't see herself with his father or with him.

From that he discovered a hatred for women like his mother. In fact, he believed all women to be like his mother. He tells me that changed when I came along. But he still sees all other women to be scum. All because of one person.

I believe he saved my life, because if it hadn't been for him, I would've kept up what I was doing, and I would've killed myself eventually, or at least gotten to the point of wanting to end it. He salvaged what was left of me, and eventually, I got RACHEL back.

When we found each other, we were at the ends of our ropes. For a while I honestly didn't have any hopes or dreams. Now, I look forward to starting a family, and living with Fiancee until we are rickety and old.



I suppose I think back on these things to remind myself where I have been, so that I can keep my focus on where I am going, and not lose my footing like I did before. And I think back on it so that when I am a little sad or depressed about not being exactly where I want to be yet, I can remember how far I have actually come.

Red Light Camera

I had my first encounter with a red light camera last night. It was raining very hard, it was dark, and I was trying to downshift to go up a hill and through an intersection. The gears weren't cooperating (I own an '86 Toyota pickup... it's old sometimes), and I looked down, and then I looked up in time to see a yellow light, as I was ten feet from entering the intersection. I braked, and realized that if I kept braking, I would have slid right through that intersection. So I went through. And I saw two flashes, one in front of me, and one behind.

I was already really emotional yesterday, and I didn't need something else to stress me out as Fiancee and I are trying to get the finances more in order. It is really hard to get it figured out, especially when you're a kid, and you suddenly move out and suddenly have access to your savings account!

Basically, I moved out, got comfortable being taken care of, and not having parents around making sure that I'm doing "the right thing." Then I got lazy, and now I realize that I shouldn't have done it all in that order. I am now trying to get a job, and trying to lose about thirty pounds. Getting back on the track is proving to be hard. Fiancee has been really good about helping me and encouraging me along, however. I have been impressed. I think I am also falling even more in love with him; even more than I was when we first started dating. I like that feeling a LOT.

I am beginning to see that a good relationship is one that gets better with time (instead of the other way around, as most people have it).

I hope that if I contest (if that is the term) my red light camera ticket, they will let me off because of the circumstances, or at the very least, reduce it. I don't have anything else on my driving record, and I would like to keep it that way.

Hot-hot-hot

This weather is really making me want my job back at Baskin Robbins. The big walk-in freezer there is freakin' minus five degrees. But I hated wearing a hat and dealing with people who regularly made all of us that worked there feel like inferiors. And we might be just that, but you don't rub it in. There are around five different B&R's in my area. I could even pick and choose between stores!

Really, I need to find out how to cool down this apartment. It's killing me ever so slowly.

Lol.

Fiancee is home for two days. He goes back to work on Wednesday.

I just want him to go away! He's moody, he's lazy, and he's keeping me from doing what I want. He takes my truck for granted, and when he's home he never helps me clean up -- he just makes messes. I want to leave until he goes back to work, but I don't have the money to leave.

The air is extremely humid, and it's around eighty degrees outside.

I'm pissed.

Bipolar Disorder

Is biploar disorder something that really affects your brain and how you comport, or is the label just an excuse for bad behavior?

I have been around a lot of people who have given themselves that label. I say given themselves because they announce it to people as if that's their ticket to "fit in" to the crowd they're in. Or that they're explaining their behavior so that they can continue acting that way.

(Kind of like on Family Guy, in the episode that Peter is discovered to be mentally retarded. For those of you who watch Family Guy, you know what I'm getting at. For everyone else, basically "Peter" goes into the women's restroom at a nice restaurant, and proceeds to forcefully open every bathroom stall door, saying, "Sorry, I don't know any better, I'm retarded." That's the gist.)

If people really are affected by this disorder to the point that they aren't able to control their moods and behavior and everything without prescription drugs, then fine. But there is still no excuse for their bad behavior.

It's the people that don't take their prescriptions that really get to me. I feel that we all hold the responsibility to follow the rules of conduct in society. If you don't follow the rules, you don't fit, and you become the crazy person in the drive through, honking to try and speed up the process to get their food, when they're causing the opposite to happen. Basically, you become the ass of society. If you're bipolar or have some other sort of mental disorder, you have a huge responsibility to TAKE those medications that keep you beneficial to society -- or at least keep you tolerable to society.

In my case, when I tell someone who is bipolar to stay away from me, that person decides that the best thing for him to do is to get closer to me than ever and get in my space every chance he gets!

This person's symptoms were not my problem until he made them my problem. What the hell kind of options do I have left to choose from? He's making things difficult for me now, seemingly on purpose. Unless he doesn't have the capability to think logically and clearly about what he's doing.

But I doubt that.

"I was just being silly!"

Something I've recently noticed about Fiancee:

Whenever he says or does something that offends me or happens to rub me the wrong way, he claims he was "Just being silly!"

I haven't decided what this means yet.

Example:

I was in the small bathroom in our one-bedroom apartment, and he walks into the bathroom with a smug look on his face. I wait. He says, "Where's your watch?" (He just bought me a Nike watch that I had been wanting for quite some time. Before he bought it, he asked me if this would be a shelf watch, or a watch that I would actually wear. I said I would wear it.)

I look up on the bathroom shelf, and see that the watch is missing.

"Where'd you put my watch?"

An even more smug look grows on his face.

He says, "I thought you were going to wear it!"

(This is where I sigh and wonder why I am living with this guy while he is still growing up from boyhood. Some things you just don't say!)

I explain that I have been wearing his gift to me, and that I had taken it off the night before after my bath, and that I had no reason to put it back on, as I was going to bed.

He takes the watch out of its little hiding place (a small hidden drawer), and gives it to me. With another smug look, I might add.

I decide that I'm pissed, and put the watch into its case, and walk into the living room, where he's watching anime. (Which happens to be another irritant of mine. He watches anime religiously.)

I place the box onto the couch beside him, and announce, "If you don't want me to have this watch, take it back." And I walk swiftly into the other room.

He plays dumb, and asks me what's wrong, and I tell him that I am not a child, and if he wants to give me a gift, he should not give me conditions for using the gift, or instruct me how I should use it.

He says -- "I was just being silly!"

Perfect Jeans

I bought the perfect jeans the other day. They make me feel perfect, and I will never be perfect, so it's nice to pretend for a while.

Life is coming along, and I'm so happy for the changes being made!

My parents are celebrating their 31st anniversary this week. How amazing is it to be with one person for over thirty years? I can't even fathom it. But I want to.