Last night I let myself relax and give fiance's friend a chance. I am not a very trusting person, so it was interesting. I ended up having an awesome time, and fiance is very happy that I gave his friend another chance. I also ended up chatting with his friend until a very early hour. He is an interesting person, and I feel much better knowing him a little better. We all fuckin' ended up going through a Mickey D's drive through at three in the morning -- and we bought 18 burgers. It was hilarious. What I really wanted to do last night was go to the nearby beach and hit rocks into the water with my little bat.

All is happy.

Finally, finally, finally!!!

Ahhhh. My neighbors are FINALLY moving out of their apartment. I am SO happy about this. They're being extremely loud and obnoxious about moving their stuff out, but I am totally not caring. I am just so glad that they're FINALLY moving away from me. It was my secret hope that this is what would happen. I don't know what the circumstances of their move was, but, whatever it is, it's fine with me. They don't seem to be moving out of the complex, but it's a big complex, and I don't have to deal with them anymore. They moved, get this -- below where their mom is living, in one of the smaller, nasty apartments. I actually looked at the one they're moving into, and it's so horrible. The kitchen is actually a hallway.

Anyway, I'm extremely joyous about this. No more of them banging their toilet lid shut, slamming doors, running up the stairs... ahhh.

Ahh, perspective.

Ugh, finally -- fiance and I have come to a mutual understanding under all of these changes. I tried being firm about some changes I wanted to make concerning my attitude about things, and my having some characteristics similar to my mom (which are victim-like characteristics.)

He compared my wanting to make changes to my life to how his mom suddenly and drastically made changes to her life, and then left him and his dad when he was only seven years old. He was afraid of losing me, just like he lost his mom. I have had lots of conversations with him about his mom, and know his mom to some degree, but didn't realize what I was doing. At that point, I apologized for pushing so hard, and he apologized for being so defensive towards my need for some changes. So now I just need to be firm enough not to collapse under the pressure not to push him too hard! Haha.

Also, the money situation is almost resolved. Fiance is going to get on pay-scale soon, and that will give him about two dollars more an hour at his job. I have been working with my dad, and with both his work and mine combined, we are just about back on track from the management screwing us over. Which is one of the biggest reasons why I've been so damned stressed out!

It was good for me to stay with my parents for the better part of a week -- I got myself some perspective on how I've been living.

Hmpf.

I just spent four days and five nights at my parents' home, which is about thirty minutes away from my apartment. I worked every day for about 6-8 hours, and made some pretty good money, because my dad likes to give his money away, and he does like to help people. He just expects a favor or two in return. Haha.

Sometimes it's really hard to stay at that house, because of some of the memories and feelings tied into living there before. Before I left, I told my fiance that I needed him to be available to me, so that he could help support me working and staying there for the week. He agreed. Then a couple of the nights that I stayed, I called, and the first time he had been completely shit-faced with his friend, and didn't even hear the phone. I was upset. The second time, he had the same friend over, and they were stoned this time, apparently. So I told him I didn't want his friend over at our apartment anymore.

Which, I don't really mind his friend that much, it's just that his friend is what prevented me from getting the support I needed. That, and I was very disappointed in my fiance, that he didn't give it much effort to be there for me. He just claimed that he doesn't "do the phone," and that he shouldn't be expected to "wait around for my call."

Grrr. And this is all happening during my moody week.

The other thing that is getting me to now is that whenever he has a day or two off, we do NOTHING. And I like going out and doing things together. I get really, really sick of staying here all the time, even when I've been working all week, and away from my home, too. We went to the beach, but he got tired, so we had to leave. It is just so disappointing sometimes. I love him, but I'm irritated with him this week.

I made all the money that is very helpful this week, but once I get home, it just disappears, and even faster than I made it. It's annoying. I'm going back this week to work more, but I'm still a little stressed about it disappearing. As if I had nothing to do with it "disappearing."

I'm also trying to lose twenty-thirty pounds, because I gained "stress weight" during the move out here, and also during the past couple months. I can't seem to find some inexpensive sweats to wear to go exercise in. Fiance needs new pants for his full-time job, but I ain't payin' for 'em. Fuck that. He just got a check, and my money is disappearing too fast as it is.

I also had to deal with my mother during my stay at the parents' house. She doesn't want to spend time with my dad's group of friends, and doesn't seem to understand that she doesn't have to hang around them, and she needs to be okay with my dad having that hobby, or he is just going to continue to feel threatened, and she'll continue to want to fight against what she thinks is him not understanding how she feels. They are so disfunctional and dont' have a clue how to communicate. It's like they don't even know each other anymore. And they've been married for over thirty years now.

I think I'm gonna go for a quick walk, whether fiance wants to do something or not. Hmpf.

Stress is so hard to see through sometimes. I guess that is the point of getting through stress, though, isn't it? Being able to see through it to the other side, the greener side? I need to learn to be calmer in the midst of stress and transition.

Men, growing wings and music.

Growing up is really a strange experience. That, and trying to figure out what exactly I want to do with my life. I used to want to be a professional violinist. I played in a band for about six years, and got paid very well, but it just wasn't doing it for me. Maybe if I had been in a different band it would've worked out. This band that I was in was a three-piece band, originally, and my father was a member, and my godmother was the other member in the band. My dad played guitar and sang lead, and my godmother played upright bass and sang harmony and lead. I played the violin. It was a bluegrass/folk band. We also played celtic once in a while. It was fun for about two years, and then my dad decided to make it a serious thing -- something too serious for what the band was originally designed for. I was no longer a kid, so I had very little childhood time. So that makes it harder for me to grow up, I guess.

My dad started thinking that we could travel to europe and go on a tour with the band, and play all over the states. Mind you, I was still in middle school at the time!! He had complete delusions of grandeur, and it slowly started driving me mad. He's not bipolar, but I started wondering around that time. He has a very complex past, and he's always carried it around with him, without really letting anyone in to help him get past his past and get on with his life in a healthy manner, instead of letting his past hurt the people close to him in the present. He has always had a lot of control over people close to him, simply because he is afraid of losing the control -- then he doesn't know what to do. So I suppose that if he keeps control (or thinks that he is keeping control) over people, then he will never get hurt again, or be vulnerable to being hurt again.

It is hard to love someone when they are that absorbed with keeping their vulnerabilities close to them. Especially when loving someone has a lot to do with letting yourself be vulnerable to them, to trust them. I can't imagine how hard it is for my mom, because he does practically the same thing with her. I would not be able to be with someone like that.

With all the psychological stuff that goes along with having a practically unavailable dad, you would think I would have big issues with men, but I do not! I love men, and I have one right now that is wonderful. We have our ups and downs, but really, overall, it is really, really wonderful. I think the only reason there are as many ups and downs as there are right now is because we are both starting out, and it can be really hard to get on your feet after moving out of the house you grew up in. You may feel like you have wings, but I think it takes some time to grow them so that they actually WORK.

Has anyone else had any experience with this stuff?