Negativity and Thoughts of Cheating

My stomach is tied up into little knots, and I wish there was something I could really do to get EVERYTHING going on off my mind, but I can't seem to find something like that.

HB said the other day that over the course of the past few months, he had thought about cheating on me. First of all, WHY the FUCK did he even MENTION it?! Second of all, he considers himself the most loyal person in the universe, and if he had really considered cheating, that would mean that he should think very low of himself, especially if he fucking admitted it to me.

So, I tried to be cool with him telling me, because I think it's important to be able to talk about anything in a relationship, and that just ended up making me all pissy, because I was holding the feelings inside, instead of telling how the FUCK I feel about him telling me that he almost cheated on me, just because I was soul-searching and trying to figure out what the fuck I should do with my life. And, what makes that worse... well, several things make it worse. One, I stuck by him when HE went through his hard time, his soul-searching time, and didn't complain about him, and CERTAINLY did not consider or even think about cheating on him. And I'm a nympho. Second -- I asked him every week, almost, if what I was doing was 'okay' with him, and I asked whether it was getting too hard for him to support me and himself. And he NEVER said it was too much. I started looking for a job, and I ended up moving to Hometown to apprentice as an appraiser.

I've been at HB's house since Thursday night, and ever since I got here, I have also had problems with his negativity, because it seems like every time I spend time away from here, I realize what is really 'wrong' with the way that he lives, and those little antics that bother me. He rarely if ever has anything really positive to say about anything or anyone. I used to be an incredibly positive person, and after being with him for so long, I have become really negative, and I hate it. I am going to start calling him on it, after I confront him about it.

If he doesn't want to work through relationship issues while we're on our break-type-deal, then tough. I'll just cut to the chase and break up with him now. Granted, I will be losing my best friend, but I'll find another one eventually, damnit.

I feel really weak right now, seeing as how I'm stuck in the middle of several different things at once. I'm working towards a professional career, trying to get used to living alone, trying to seek out old friends I used to hang around with, and trying to find a comfortable medium with HB while we're "apart." I'm really stressed out, and sometimes I feel like I just can't take any more shit piled on me.

I can't be a trampoline amongst all the other things that are going on. I can't be expected to work for the week, be alone, and then visit HB on the weekends, pack up all my shit, and be subjected to his bachelor ways. And on top of that have to hear things like him thinking about cheating on me, even now, when things are somewhat worked out. I almost feel like I should just cut him loose and let him fuck whoever the HELL he wants, and then make sure that he realizes he won't be getting anything out of it but possibly a good fuck. If he can't be true to be during the hard times now, why should I think he will be true to me later on when things are much, much harder than now?

I'm going to ask him just that. And if he can't give me a sufficient answer, I'm gone. I deserve better.