Men, growing wings and music.

Growing up is really a strange experience. That, and trying to figure out what exactly I want to do with my life. I used to want to be a professional violinist. I played in a band for about six years, and got paid very well, but it just wasn't doing it for me. Maybe if I had been in a different band it would've worked out. This band that I was in was a three-piece band, originally, and my father was a member, and my godmother was the other member in the band. My dad played guitar and sang lead, and my godmother played upright bass and sang harmony and lead. I played the violin. It was a bluegrass/folk band. We also played celtic once in a while. It was fun for about two years, and then my dad decided to make it a serious thing -- something too serious for what the band was originally designed for. I was no longer a kid, so I had very little childhood time. So that makes it harder for me to grow up, I guess.

My dad started thinking that we could travel to europe and go on a tour with the band, and play all over the states. Mind you, I was still in middle school at the time!! He had complete delusions of grandeur, and it slowly started driving me mad. He's not bipolar, but I started wondering around that time. He has a very complex past, and he's always carried it around with him, without really letting anyone in to help him get past his past and get on with his life in a healthy manner, instead of letting his past hurt the people close to him in the present. He has always had a lot of control over people close to him, simply because he is afraid of losing the control -- then he doesn't know what to do. So I suppose that if he keeps control (or thinks that he is keeping control) over people, then he will never get hurt again, or be vulnerable to being hurt again.

It is hard to love someone when they are that absorbed with keeping their vulnerabilities close to them. Especially when loving someone has a lot to do with letting yourself be vulnerable to them, to trust them. I can't imagine how hard it is for my mom, because he does practically the same thing with her. I would not be able to be with someone like that.

With all the psychological stuff that goes along with having a practically unavailable dad, you would think I would have big issues with men, but I do not! I love men, and I have one right now that is wonderful. We have our ups and downs, but really, overall, it is really, really wonderful. I think the only reason there are as many ups and downs as there are right now is because we are both starting out, and it can be really hard to get on your feet after moving out of the house you grew up in. You may feel like you have wings, but I think it takes some time to grow them so that they actually WORK.

Has anyone else had any experience with this stuff?