Why force?
Why would anyone want to force a relationship to develop? Why make something, something that it's not, or force it to be something that you want it to be? I really like this guy, really really do. I think I've been trying to force it be something I'm comfortable with, though. I'm used to being tied to someone, used to being stuck to someone like glue, spending every waking moment. Not that it's bad in this case to do so - the nights over at my house have been amazing. Eye-opening. Changing. Comfortable in a way I've never known. Collaborative. Take last night for instance - we had drinks, had dinner, watched a movie, and he fell asleep on me while I stroked his hair. We went to bed, didn't do anything sexual, completely relaxed, normal. Fell asleep together in bed, cuddled. Woke up, just naturally cuddled together. Then we naturally had sex. We never seem to have energy in the morning, but always enough for a bit of sex. And it's always pretty good sex, too. Still learning where his dick hits what, and where, and how, obviously - but very promising. He's so different how he sleeps, than Patrick was, that is. He doesn't move around a lot - unless he's waking up. He's very still, very deep-sleep, (and I've started going back to that habit), and then he wakes up and tosses around (I actually do the same thing, and make noises). He makes gurgling noises, and snores, and sighs. It's cute. He looks really relaxed, and it's very pleasant.
I've been fairly lonely living alone for the first time in my life, but I have enjoyed a lot of the aspects of it. I am sure that it will eventually make me stronger. And I need to experience this to the fullest, until the time comes for a change, again. one thing is for sur e- I would NOT want to go back to how it was, and has been for the last few years. I am not a person that was meant to be smothered, stifled, suffocated.
It's weird learning the dynamics of the kind of relationship that I'm in right now. It's not really defined; it's been partially defined as: fuck buddies. But after that, it is not defined. I probably shouldn't fool around with anyone else, and I do owe him that, at the very least. He did say that he wouldn't "play me," which means he wont' fool around with other girls while he's "with" me. I still don't quite get it, what the rules are, what I can do, what isn't zesty. . . it's confusing sometimes. I know what I feel like I should be comfortable doing, and other things I would really love to do, but don't do unless encouraged - such as holding hands. Which I would FUCKING LOVE to do with him.
I would also like to bypass some of what we have and get to know him better. Not just as a fuck buddy type friend. I'd like to really know him. I do know that he is somewhat guarded, that is - I offer information usually by choice; he will if it comes up. I think of things randomly.
What would I like to do with him?
1. I would like him to fuck me with a rubbery new vibrator I have yet to select and buy.
2. I would like to be able to hold his hand - to have him hold my hand.
3. To know more about him: specifics. What makes him tick, what makes him shut off, etc.
4. If I didn't text/call/etc. in a day or more, what he would do - if he would text/call/etc., or if he would wait for me to text/call/etc. See how long it would take. If he would step up or let me call the shot.
5. I am curious to see how he would react to a bad mood - the last "bad mood" I had, he was sympathetic but not guilt-tripped or felt he was responsible or anything - I didn't want to be alone, but he had to hang with his friend he lives with - I avoided him for the night because it made me emotional; I was just in an emotional place, and I was trying to make myself mad at him, which didn't work in the end; and also I didn't want him to see me cry, which he is nice, so I would've cried. when I told him this, he went out on a break, sat me in his lap, and told me everything would be okay; kissed me, hugged me, and went back to work. Could he ever make me angry/upset/mad/pissed off? I am curious what it would be like - or it if would ever happen. Maybe we are of the same fabric, so it wouldn't happen neccessarily. Interesting.
6. I really, really would honestly like to know what he really feels for me. I dont' know him that well, so I feel like I get mixed signals sometimes. He always makes sure I dont' think otherwise - which is nie - but I still feel like there's soemthign I'm missing. Like if he asked me out he would act differently. I don't know. I do, though - because we're not going out officially or anything. We fuck, we have passionate sex, we hav efun sex, we tease, we cuddle, we hang out, we make plans sort of. . . we have some mutual friends. We talk. We keep in touch. What would change if we were officially going out? There would be some sort of feeling of obligation, of course. Don't miss that feeling at all. Fuck. There would be much more of a feeling of jealously, intimidation,. . . obligation. I would like to know more about his relationships.
7. I would like to know more about what his past relationships were like. Things that have happened to him. Things that have changed him. ---- But I am still, even when i feel this way about him - --- hesitant to share certain things with him. Things that will change his opinion/perspective/feeling towards me, maybe. I guess that is where a certian trust is adopted. But I'm not completely sure he wants that or not. Or if I do just yet. Maybe not yet. Maybe certain closeness should not be introduced just yet.
Anyway, he is an interesting guy. I am intrigued. I am attracted. I am liking what I see, hear, smell, feel. . . he's yummy, nice, introspective, curious, spontaneous. HOT. Red hair, red chest hair, big hands, big feet. Kind, but has an attitude and will speak up if need be. Not to be trampled. Not to be taken advantage of. Vocal. Very sexual. Healthy. Aware.
I really, really think that I do not know enough to like him the way I think I do - but I do think that there is good potential. I don't know enough to really know that I feel a certain way about him - but I am really attracted to the idea of what it could be someday, if that happens. If not, it would be saddening. . . but it just wouldn't be meant to be. And I would have no choice but to move on and get over it. This is the first any kind of relationship I've had since I was 16/17 years old. A lot has changed since then. I need to take my time and really feel this one out. Have patience. Really be in tune, really just let things happen, let things go where they might, let it out. Let it be.
I'm excited for the journey.
I've been fairly lonely living alone for the first time in my life, but I have enjoyed a lot of the aspects of it. I am sure that it will eventually make me stronger. And I need to experience this to the fullest, until the time comes for a change, again. one thing is for sur e- I would NOT want to go back to how it was, and has been for the last few years. I am not a person that was meant to be smothered, stifled, suffocated.
It's weird learning the dynamics of the kind of relationship that I'm in right now. It's not really defined; it's been partially defined as: fuck buddies. But after that, it is not defined. I probably shouldn't fool around with anyone else, and I do owe him that, at the very least. He did say that he wouldn't "play me," which means he wont' fool around with other girls while he's "with" me. I still don't quite get it, what the rules are, what I can do, what isn't zesty. . . it's confusing sometimes. I know what I feel like I should be comfortable doing, and other things I would really love to do, but don't do unless encouraged - such as holding hands. Which I would FUCKING LOVE to do with him.
I would also like to bypass some of what we have and get to know him better. Not just as a fuck buddy type friend. I'd like to really know him. I do know that he is somewhat guarded, that is - I offer information usually by choice; he will if it comes up. I think of things randomly.
What would I like to do with him?
1. I would like him to fuck me with a rubbery new vibrator I have yet to select and buy.
2. I would like to be able to hold his hand - to have him hold my hand.
3. To know more about him: specifics. What makes him tick, what makes him shut off, etc.
4. If I didn't text/call/etc. in a day or more, what he would do - if he would text/call/etc., or if he would wait for me to text/call/etc. See how long it would take. If he would step up or let me call the shot.
5. I am curious to see how he would react to a bad mood - the last "bad mood" I had, he was sympathetic but not guilt-tripped or felt he was responsible or anything - I didn't want to be alone, but he had to hang with his friend he lives with - I avoided him for the night because it made me emotional; I was just in an emotional place, and I was trying to make myself mad at him, which didn't work in the end; and also I didn't want him to see me cry, which he is nice, so I would've cried. when I told him this, he went out on a break, sat me in his lap, and told me everything would be okay; kissed me, hugged me, and went back to work. Could he ever make me angry/upset/mad/pissed off? I am curious what it would be like - or it if would ever happen. Maybe we are of the same fabric, so it wouldn't happen neccessarily. Interesting.
6. I really, really would honestly like to know what he really feels for me. I dont' know him that well, so I feel like I get mixed signals sometimes. He always makes sure I dont' think otherwise - which is nie - but I still feel like there's soemthign I'm missing. Like if he asked me out he would act differently. I don't know. I do, though - because we're not going out officially or anything. We fuck, we have passionate sex, we hav efun sex, we tease, we cuddle, we hang out, we make plans sort of. . . we have some mutual friends. We talk. We keep in touch. What would change if we were officially going out? There would be some sort of feeling of obligation, of course. Don't miss that feeling at all. Fuck. There would be much more of a feeling of jealously, intimidation,. . . obligation. I would like to know more about his relationships.
7. I would like to know more about what his past relationships were like. Things that have happened to him. Things that have changed him. ---- But I am still, even when i feel this way about him - --- hesitant to share certain things with him. Things that will change his opinion/perspective/feeling towards me, maybe. I guess that is where a certian trust is adopted. But I'm not completely sure he wants that or not. Or if I do just yet. Maybe not yet. Maybe certain closeness should not be introduced just yet.
Anyway, he is an interesting guy. I am intrigued. I am attracted. I am liking what I see, hear, smell, feel. . . he's yummy, nice, introspective, curious, spontaneous. HOT. Red hair, red chest hair, big hands, big feet. Kind, but has an attitude and will speak up if need be. Not to be trampled. Not to be taken advantage of. Vocal. Very sexual. Healthy. Aware.
I really, really think that I do not know enough to like him the way I think I do - but I do think that there is good potential. I don't know enough to really know that I feel a certain way about him - but I am really attracted to the idea of what it could be someday, if that happens. If not, it would be saddening. . . but it just wouldn't be meant to be. And I would have no choice but to move on and get over it. This is the first any kind of relationship I've had since I was 16/17 years old. A lot has changed since then. I need to take my time and really feel this one out. Have patience. Really be in tune, really just let things happen, let things go where they might, let it out. Let it be.
I'm excited for the journey.
posted by Sea Change at 9:55 PM
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