Men.

I always run into some dilema or problem with men. They're too old; they're too young; they smell; they smell very nice and it makes me crazy; they're hot and it makes me crazy; they're not hot and it makes me crazy. They're good in bed; they're bad in bed. Everything about men makes me crazy, either in a good way or a bad way.

I have missed sleeping with different men, and experiencing different sides of men. But one problem always bites me on the ass. If I really like the guy I'm sleeping with, even though I don't want to date at this point in time (just got out of long term relationship), I find myself being clingy, wanting to be around them all the time. Being whiny. . . not giving enough space. Trying to hang out all the time.

Rather than letting nature take it's course, and letting the man follow me around, call me, text me, try to get my attention. It's the other way around. I need to find out how to stop. Or just stop. He's hot, but do I really want him around all the time? He's a great guy, but would I really want to date him? Well in this case, this is the whole problem - I do! I really, really like this guy.

Basically what we have is a casual relationship. We both like each other quite a bit, but don't want to date anyone right now. But we're having sex. And it's making things just a little complicated. And what makes it even harder? He likes to cuddle, and I LOVE cuddling with him. It makes me melt, and the melting is what is getting me in trouble, overly excited, overly attached. I've also never had a casual relationship like this before, especially not after the relationship I just got out of.

What I need here is self control. And patience. Just cool off for a while and get some perspective on the relationship, whatever it is. The thing that might help. . . I can define what the relationship is for me, and let him define it for him as whatever he thinks it is for him. But I can define what it is for me. It has something to do with how he feels towards me, but it's mainly how I feel about him, what I get out of it, what I like about it, what I don't like about it.

1. The texting is out of control.
I really don't text a ton - it's just that I don't need to be texting what I am texting. It is meaningless texting, or it is sexual texting.
2. While at work, shut off the flirty side of you - you will go crazy, and you will make it his problem.
Focus on work while at work.
3. Let him try and make plans with you. Don't be so available - it is unattractive.
4. Do your thing, let him come to you if he wants to be around you. People don't like to be crowded.
5. It is a penis, for chrissake. It is pretty much perfect (except for the width thing), but it is okay. It is a penis and balls. It's not a pair of strappy Guccis. Calm down. Just admire them, touch them, enjoy them, and let them go.

It's almost as if after the relationship I got out of, I'm so excited to be back around where I was before, experiencing the things that I was REALLy enjoying experiencing, I feel so excited I can't contain myself. BUT. This is where I stop myself and tell myself that I feel like I can't contain myself, but I really can. And I really need to.

I wouldn't want to. But maybe it would help? He really is not perfect. Just very close to it. He's really self conscious about his weight loss, and is squirmy about being touched in some areas. Because of this, I have never seen his chest - he won't take off his shirt when we have sex. He doesn't like taking his boxers off, either, but he will. I told him they were hurting my pussy, which they were. He's really chatty, and sometimes (most of the time, really) overly silly and outgoing and loud sort of. ADDish. Doesn't like silence. Is rough with my pussy. Doesn't know how to be gentle. He's kind of rough with me, too, sometimes. Rough usually in a good way, but once in aw hile it's like, yeah. STOP. That hurts. One time he bit me on the stomach a couple times. HARD. And was laughing about it. GOD IT HURT. I even winced. He didn't notice. He moves too much sometimes when we're having sex. Like, I like to take control on top, it's true, because I can handle it all - not to be egotistical, it just works out well that way once in a while. It's exciting, and it feels good for both of us. I can handle it. And I like handling it. He's kind of moody. And he seems to surround himself with moody people, actually. His mom is moody, his best friend is moody, FUCK he is moody. It's almost as if they're dating. Maybe that's why he doesn't want another relationship so soon. He's dating so many of his friends that it's too overwhelming. Well I do not want to add to his drama. I hate drama, I really do. His tolerance to green is very low. It's really funny, actually. We'll both have two hits, he's done, good; I want two more. I enjoy the chocolate, but I want some green to go with it, or it doesn't balance itself out. He takes half a chocolate and feels it right away. It takes an hour at least for me to feel it. He's always kind of distracted. Wound up, but not wound up. He's not into boobs! I miss having my boobies fondled.

But he also does so much that I adore. What he calls me, for starters. He calls me darling. I love to be called adorable, he calls me that all the time. Um. The way he hears music, the way he remembers lyrics, and names. It's poetry to him, it's meaningful. The soundtrack stuff. Life is a soundtrack, and he can dictate it out to how it would be in a movie. The way he dresses himself. The way he holds himself is cute. The way he gets all excited about things. His different smiles. His hands, how he uses them. He has nice hands. GOD damn he is good at fingering me. The way he kisses is cute. He'll do a deep kiss, and then he'll just kiss my lips, like a quick smooch. He thinks my ass is ridiculous. I love that description. I think his package is ridiculous. And his red hair, light eyelashes. His blue but green eyes. His eyebrows are great (I'm really into eyebrows). His sexuality REALLY turns me on. It somewhat matches my own, and that's exciting, becuase I know just how sexual I am, and what gets me off, and really excited. How I like to be touched (all except for the clit thing - he doesn't understand the clit at all). Fuck how I wish he did. That's what I really would enjoy, and spring off of right now - an older guy who knows how to handle things. An older guy that would enjoy a younger girl, but just the sex, maybe gifts. . . I enjoy that. Like that guy John that gave me the full body massage. . . FUCKING HELL. That was so fucking hot, nevermind I was on that stuff. And Chris was ruining the experience little by little. Fucking idiot. I felt like a goddess, and then it was ruined. But I'm glad i didn't have sex with him in that way, though. It would've been too much, but I'm sure he would've been an amazing lay, what with the way he touched me so firmly but gently. Strong. Fierce. The way I was arching my back and my body into his touches. FUCK.