Full Circle. Full Sail.

Seriously, I've made a full circle. I've been in survival mode for so many years in my life (as long as I can remember, really) that I've had to consciously try to switch out of it, back into "I'm alive and I can move on!"

What is it I used to do that I enjoyed, for myself? I skated. I played the violin. I listened to music. I wrote. I went for long walks. I organized things. I read books. Long, hot baths. Made crazy recipes. Shopping. Decorating. I love the beach and parks. Quads. Being outside. Concerts. Jamming (before). Hmm.

Anyway, I need to remember this consciously more so that I can move on even more and have renewed energy for life and enjoy it. I almost feel like I wasted so much life on all of that stupid shit I've been doing for so long... almost. But I learned so much. And I feel like I know so much about people because of it. Down and out. High and dry. I am ready to move on now.

Porn.

So, H asked me last night (while we were high, which wasn't fair as an afterthought) "You don't care about porn, do you?" I told him what he wanted to hear,instead of how I felt. Mostly because I was high, and he's always related stories about stupid boys at his shop that have girl issues. So, of course, I said, "I would watch it with you, I don't care." And also, "I tried renting some once but couldnt' find anything that wasn't overly raunchy".

After a conversation like this, whenever a sexual topic comes up, I re-think it afterwards and have a different opinion. Then I approach the subject with H again and he will probably get flustered because I am now reacting differently to a topic he probably thought was closed and that there were no underlying feelings I didn't voice.

But, seriously. We just got married. We are pretty stressed - we live in a huge house that we're remodeling here and there, and are being forced our hand to refinance to pay back my dad who is now getting hard up for money and is having health problems (a totally new thing to me -- he's been as healthy as anyone and never hurts himself). So, that being said, we haven't been having as much sex as normal. Plus, we had recently tried to encourage our sex life... I had finally expressed to him that he has a huge dick, and that he needs to take it easy on me when we have sex, because it actually hurts sometimes, plus he gets so excited he overdoes it and then I don't enjoy it at first, which seriously sucks. Otherwise we have amazing sex. So anyways, we've been trying to spice up the sex lately anyway as it is.

But after this conversation, it made me question whether or not he was masturbating to porn or something! I had asked him earlier in the week if he masturbated, when was the last time... blah, blah. Just because I never thought of him as that kind of guy. Which he's not. But he is not very forthcoming on the topic. Makes me feel like he's hiding something, when maybe when he gets up in the morning and he goes in the bathroom for twenty minutes that he's masturbating and shitting all the while me not knowing. I don't care -- but I don't want to feel like he's hiding something when I ask him point blank these questions.

Also he had said in the porn talk that if he needed to masturbate to porn, he would. I asked him why he would, and he said "If I'm not getting sex". We haven't been having that much sex. I would say 3-5 times a week right now. At the beginning of this it was 1-3 times a day! I really am not a fan of feeling pressured to have sex and to perform in our sex life when maybe I'm freaking under a lot of stress and don't feel like a giant dick going in and of my vagina, whether it is super good sex or not. And he always has his junk out and always wants sex. I used to always want sex. But I have too much going on right now. And I suppose there are other reasons I punish myself because I never end up really forgiving myself for things that I've done. But seriously.

I had no idea he would watch porn and masturbate. Not sure how to approach this subject with him, but I had a nightmare last night about him and other women -- and I feel that if you are watching a woman and having sexual thoughts, that is some form of cheating.

Not cool. Now how do I bring this topic up again? He hates it when I do this...

I don't know, I don't know, I don't know. But I do know.

I just need my space. If it's just Drew, it's perfect. I need to have that with Drew. We will move out of here as soon as we possibly can. People really are hard to live with. There is always something. It's weird for me, because it's his brother, and his sister in law practically. His family is very intrusive. Great, but effing intrusive. I guess I need to think of it as just me and Drew, and then do what I would normally do, except those things I would love to be doing with just him around. Making him dinner, doing laundry. doing all of those things with whatever music I want on... is it worth waiting for four or five months? It's not forever... it just sucks sometimes I guess. I am not sure how to cope when it does suck.

Jail time? This is fucked.

I don't feel good. I don't know what to do. Normally when I have a problem with something in my life, I figure out how to change it, or fix it. But I don't think I have any control at all over this problem.

Drew has been in and out of court since March, and this time I think maybe he's going to jail. He has to be fingerprinted, and he has to go to trial. They gave him an option to enroll in Drug Court instead of all of that, but he doesn't have a drug problem, so he doesn't qualify to get off easy. I am not an attorney, and I do not have an attorney, so I don't know what's going to happen to him. But he might get a minimum of sixty days in jail.

In the midst of all of this, I am trying to find another job. I left my old job because I couldn't handle it anymore. The manager (when she was there) was a hypocrit and made my life hell while I was there, and while I was away. They didn't have enough people to help, and would not hire anyone else, for some reason. Even corporate ignored the well being of the employees. I coudln't take it anymore, being blamed for others' mistakes and my being trained wrong. Errrrr. I left. Anyway, I've come to a point where I have to get a job. I can't live like this, and I also can't live off of 90 year old women's funds and trust when I am reminded of my dead grandmother. I can't be the one that makes her uncomfortable. I can't be the one that has to hear of this and that idea and have too much access to drugs while I'm there. Not to mention my two good friends... one of them, Jef, has some weird idea that he can try to kiss me and when he hugs me he squeezes me and runs his hands up and down my back. I told him no, no, no. But no, he does not listen. I will not do that to someone else. Especially not Barbara. I've had enough of that situation, and it really doesn't pay enough, and the time I spend there confuses an already confused person trying to find her way.

So, I don't have a job, I don't have a car, I'm staying with a guy and my boyfriend... not sure if Drew goes to jail if I will want to stay here with Pat, our friend. I don't know what I will do without Drew by my side. It's hard enough when he's at work all the time. What will I do if he's in jail for a couple months? Somehow I don't really have friends my age. I have friends through Drew... I know they'll be there, but I can't stand thinking about this. But I want to be prepared for the worst. What if he does go to jail? Why does Drew deserve to go to jail? He is not the type that needs jail. He needs to learn his lesson some other way. He's already learned his lesson. He didn't do anything that warrants this kind of action. The government is fucked. I don't understand why this has to happen.

Well, fuck. I just realized that I got somewhere in my life, and I don't know anything about it. I don't know how it happened, how I got here, what I decided, and who I talked to along the way, and what they said to me. I am in the middle of my life and I don't know what the fuck is going on. Am I dreaming, or is this my reality now? My reality has changed so much, that it doesn't seem real to me anymore. What do I do? Who am I now? Have I changed, or just changed my perspective and opinion of myself? What is it that has changed?

I have a regular job that is alright. I have friends at my job that I hang out with and am pretty good friends with. I have a boyfriend that is tall, hot, nice and smart. We work at the same store. I work at a store. I am good with customers at my store. I am good at my job, but fed the fuck up with a lot of the people I work with. I live at the apartment we all built for me at my parents' property. I am paying off some bills and taking some time to recollect my thoughts and my finances - then I will be moving on - somewhere, with someone? Maybe. I have a car that needs an engine, but somehow it gets me to work and around town. I try to remember and put oil in it before the oil light comes on, and there is always gas in it. I enjoy driving. I enjoy listening to music, and have been introduced to a lot of music more recently, and in fact; my taste has started to slightly change. My ear has been re-perked. I want badly to play music, and lately, have a little bit - I am trying to put to sleep that part of my past musical life, and start a new one. I have made a tad bit of progress. Any good musician listens to good music and gets it in his head - you play what you hear. You play what you think. You play what you see.

You Play What You Feel.

I just took two melatonin, and I'm wondering how long I will be out for. I shut off my phone, I have nothing really to do tomorrow; I don't want to do anything tomorrow. I don't really want to do anything Saturday, but I guess I will be helping Drew with moving the last of his stuff. I offered to help before, this time he basically asked me. Shrug.

Drew can be confusing. Drew can be exactly what I want and need, and then he can just make me uncomfortable. It reminds me of needy/time consuming/. . . I know.

High-maintenance boyfriend.

I just had one, and although they are quite different boys, . . . they are certainly both sort of high-maintenance. I am certainly ready for this one, but I am not entirely convinced he is ready for me. It might be bad timing. I know we fit really well. I think maybe though he's a little shy. Maybe not; maybe he's just traveling to another state of mind and place in life as well. I'm pretty sure he is; yes, he is. But I just. I have this curse, and it's knowing what I want, and when I want it, and how long I can wait for it, and if it's worth it to wait or if I should just go ahead, or if I should cut it off because I already know where it's headed and how it will turn out.

The problem is actually following this instinct that I feel in my gut.

Like earlier at Drew's, I just felt the urge to leave, like: now is the time to get out of here. I don't want to say another word, look at him, or do anything. I just want to leave now. He spoke to me in a gruff, authorative voice: DOWN to me. It was really amazing that he could be capable of sounding that way. I just became deeply upset by it, like I was about to start crying, and I was just going to leave. I kissed his forehead to go and said bye and he wanted a kiss, and I wouldn't kiss him. . . I was trying to make it seem like I was just playing, but I really just did not want to kiss him. I didn't feel like it. I didn't feel like it was appropriate, like it fit the situation, said what I wanted to say. What I wanted to say was this:

I am not just another girl. I am not a girl that's going to filter in and out of your apartment and make friendly with all the girls your roommate/best friend fuck. Yes, fuck. Not sleep with. I am not that girl, and I am not your girl if that's what you want of me. I'm not the girl that stays over and then stays in the apartment waiting for the guy to get back for another round. I am a really good lay. Yes, it is the truth. I have never heard or experienced otherwise; I'm not ashamed to admit it, and I am actually proud of that part of me. I enjoy that part of me very much, even though it always gets me into trouble.

But, fuck.

I know you don't feel good, and I know you don't mind having me around when you don't, but that you would rather I wasn't there right now - - - but do you express this to me? Of course not. Yeah, I don't want to kiss you right now, so why don't you just let it go, let me go, let me go and do whatever I want with the melatonin you gave me. I have a high tolerance to drugs, and I know what I can and cannot handle. And I know what I need, and want, and feel, at least better than anyone else to my knowledge does. I am not just another girl to filter in and out of your life. Even now, when I'm your girlfriend (I think? You never really asked me.), you don't really know and haven't asked or tried to find out how exactly I feel about you. Even though you don't need verbal, all you need to do is look at me, notice how I notice you, how I move with you, the look in my eyes when I see you. The little things I try to do to make you happy. I would love to just get out of here for a week and drive. Drive, drive, drive. Drive away from the little messes that need to be cleaned up; drive away from the relationships that need attention; drive away from the weather that broods and causes me to brood; the lack of time I now possess to do what it is I want to do in my lifetime; . . . drive away from Drew for a while. I see him so much. I don't have room to think it through. I can't help it; it's crazy. He' s at work, he's at home sometimes, he's at his house; I'm at his house. He has some of the same friends as I do. They always ask, "How's Drew?" And now that we have three days off simultaneously, everyone at work will be asking how the weekend was. "How's Drew?" And knowing smile and liggle (a slight laugh and a slight giggle) under their breath. FUCK. FUCK YOU ALL. WHY DO YOU REALLY CARE? I KNOW YOU DON"T care, BUT WHY DO YOU TAKE THE TIME, WHY DO YOU BOTHER? FUCK!

I just feel like letting myself fall to the ground for a while. I'll climb back up when I need to, you know? No need to be on standby all the time. Just relax. Let it all fall to the groun. When you wake up you can decide what needs to be done, what doesn't, and what you are going to do, and what you are not going to do.

I'm tired of trying to figure things out. You figure things out for a while.

You got just what I want, you got just what I need. . .

You are my heart's desire, you set my soul afire . . .

God damn. It is so good. I can't get enough. When I think for a second that it's not going well, it explodes in the air around me.

Had a fairly shitty day at work, decided to go to a friend's after work. Drew said he would stop by. I said I wanted to have sex. He said he'd meet me and go to my house first before the friend's house. We had really great quick sex, then went to my brother's to get my leftover thanksgiving dinner. We smoked weed first, and had a nice little drive. Love driving high. Left, and went to Kristin's. Smoked more, fuck; played with a keyboard (Drew and I) for hours, it seemed like. It was pretty fucking awesome. We went on a little adventure to the store to get wine, and we ate really good cheese and really good crackers. Drew was just going to stop by for an hour or two, but decided it was too good a time to leave, so we stayed until about four. I dropped him off at his car, and haha, I was going the same way home in my car, and we drove side by side for a while. It was so cute.

I got home, stuffed my face with thanksgiving (because I had been so hungry all day!!), and then went to bed watching a chick movie. Woke up to see Drew in my bedroom, lol, saying that he stayed home from work and he wanted to come over and surprise me and he wanted to cuddle. : D

He said that he figured the door would be unlocked, because it always was, and it was locked, so he looked in my car, and the keys were in there. It was the best way to wake up EVER.

We snuggled and talked and played around. He took photos of me giving him head, lol. It was hot. He took a video of it, too. Lol. It was generally a really good time. I was really happy, and he obviously was, too. It was a really nice surprise. Really, really nice.

He did leave me that night at his car with quite the passionate goodbye kiss/rub. It turned me on a lot, gave me butterflies. I did a nice little drift in the parking lot before I left, hehe.

Yesterday was a very good example of why when there is silence or what seems like silence or what seems like hesitance, or avoidance, ----- it is definitely not what it seems. I was getting the feeling of avoidance, hesitance, impatience. . . but it was one of the better days we've had together, even though all of our time together has been really great. I need to be more patient, and not come to so many conclusions.

It's awesome, because I finally found some of his sweet spots when we're having sex. It was a little awkward because I couldn't find them at first, but now I have the power again. To make him cum when I want him to, hehe. And I'm finding ways of hitting my spots, too. I have missed having my clit touched the way I love. I'm learning. And experiencing new feelings when I cum, too.

Fuck. I am so happy.

What a great day.

God, what a great day.

I'm really enjoying this experience. I get a little anxious sometimes, and a little crazy, but I'm really enjoying it.

Take yesterday for example -

I haven't been texting him much, because of my large txt bill. I texted him something sort of random and endearing - "I miss your voice." And he and i texted back and forth for a while. He asked if I wanted to hang out tomorrow (usually I ask him to hang out, I just can't help myself - but today and yesterday, I did.) - it was really nice. We usually hang out alone, and this time we were going to hang out with his best friend and a girl his friend likes. Turns out she was the same girl that was over when I was really hazed out from the first smoke out with my new bong (that he went with me to buy). The experience was not one I wanted to remember, for the most part, and I told him so. He said that his friend kept telling him he wanted him to tell me he was really sorry for the antics and the scene. So I told him it was cool, and that I would do it. It sucked for a while, but was generally pleasant. I got a little bored once in a while. But it was a good experience. Kind of a door opener. Got to know the best friend a little, chatted with the chica, who was funny and interesting. . . gave his mom a hand massage. . . she invited me to thanksgiving dinner. She made dinner for her other son and daughter in law, and i met them and her grandson, who is SO cute. Got to cuddle a little. Got to see him around the babe, and it was adorable. I knew it would be. Irresistable, is what he is. And he wonders why I get so crazy once in a while. Fuck. I'm falling in love with him, he's so perfectly irresistable, and what I need. What I want. What I dream about. What I fantasize about. What I think about. But I'm trying to honor him wanting to take this slow. It's proving to be difficult. Very difficult. I catch myself, I draw myself back. I let myself go, I catch myself in time. Ugh. I hope it's worth it in the end, or this will turn out to be very painful indeed.

Anyway, sidetracked. We all chattered for a while, then went back to my house. I enjoyed seeing what they thought of the apartment, made me feel good. And we all started drinking, and had the drinking game going, watching coffee and cigarettes. I was made (with him) (although my beer had just been opened) to chug my beer, because I started drinking too soon. hehe. I chugged it and they were impressed. He kept spilling his beer on me! It was annoying, but endearing,a nd I was drunk, so I didn't care too much. Lol. We flirted and had fun, and he realized (fucking finally) that I needed some touching, really. So we played, and then we went into the bedroom for the night with a movie, and they were in the living room. We had really good sex twice, drunk nonetheless, very good sex for being drunk, let me tell you. Fuck it was good. It's always good. Except when we're both really tired or burned out. Like this morning. Meh, although he is so fucking good with his fingers, and he always gives. He always gives. It's really sweet. I love that about him.

The rest of it kind of sucked, until we cuddled this morning on the couch, and I got to rub his muscles and soothe him, after all the soothing he does for everyone else. I have to make a point not to take advantage of him being such a nice person. I have to. Everyone does it to him, I know it. I don't want to be one of those people to him. I want not to hurt him or take advantage of him. I want to do right by him. :)

Now? I'm hungover a lot.