I'm not a stupid person; I just do stupid things.
Sometimes I just can't believe the things that I do. I have the brain to see that doing some things will be irreversible, or might change everything that I've built around me. And yet, I still find some way to do these horrible, or irreversible, things. I always own up to what I've done, but it does not change the fact that I've done these things.
I am glad that I posted while I was in this mindset, because there are always reasons I do things. Or decide to do these things. Whether they be "wrong" or "bad," I did them, and I reasoned that I needed to do them. I do not like to use excuses, so I will not. I deserve whatever comes to me, not because I am a "bad" person, but because I did something that will warrant people thinking "bad" things about me. I will face this, but for now, I am in my own world, and I will be changing the way that I do things from here on out.
I still cannot quite believe that Boyfriend has chosen to stay with me and work through this. I am not sure if it is that I am worth the effort, or if it is us that is worth the effort. Probably the latter, as I have been beating myself up over all of this. Not in a victim's way of beating oneself up, but in a way that will make me better in the end. I will be better in the end. I will have done something terrible, but I will be better in the end no matter what anyone says about me or does to me. Perhaps this is how I will learn not to let other peoples' opinions of me influence how I am and what I do in this lifetime. Perhaps it might be worth it in the end, in some sick way.
At least now I do not have to be involved, and now I have motivation not to be involved with the Albertson's drama club. They will hear about my part in the club, but then I will disappear, and no one will know where I've gone. Albertson's and home will somehow finally be separated. I will shop for groceries, toiletries, and goodies somewhere else. Somewhere where I am anonymous again. Somewhere where no one knows of what goes on behind the curtain.
Perhaps when, and if my name is slandered, it won't matter, because I won't care with whom my name is slandered. It won't make any positive difference in my new world, because they no longer exist. It no longer matters or makes any slightest sense of difference.
Boyfriend does think that I am a sexaholic. I never thought of it that way, but now that I have heard it said, there is some truth to it. Somehow an unbelieveable truth.
In one part of my thoughts, I wish to just cut lose from everything I've had in the past several years, and start fresh. Yank it all away, burn it all away, let it fly free back into the atmosphere. We were not a match, a fit. Redefine oneself.
But what, other than experience, would I gain from this? Would I learn how to pick up all of the blocks after I've scattered them all over my living room floor? Would I learn, in essence, that when I make a mess, I need to figure out a way to clean it up; even if remnants still remain? To deal with the choices I have made?
Indeed; but why can I not have both worlds. Why can't I meld them together, taking with me, the best from both sides of the argument in my head.
I suppose that someday, I might see a clearer pictures of what it is I am dredging through. For now, I do not know the whole picture, so I am a little blind as to what will come next. I foresee things improving, but being stubborn and quite sore for some time. I do not look forward to the latter.
That said, there is a family function this evening, and I do not look forward to Boyfriend acting as if nothing of importance has happened recently between us in our relationship. Boyfriend's dad will be passing me cocktails, and getting me drunk, and then he will somehow prod at me, and get me to tell him things that I would not, necessarily or ordinarily, say, to my Boyfriend's dad.
In fact, I am not sure how this evening will go at all. On top of all of this, I have been sick in bed, in the house, for the entire week, and I am tired of being inside, and tired of being sick. Perhaps this might be my excuse not to attend the festivities this evening. But I would hate to add to the disappointment which is lingering in the air, over all of us, today.
Ahh, Saturday afternoons.
I am glad that I posted while I was in this mindset, because there are always reasons I do things. Or decide to do these things. Whether they be "wrong" or "bad," I did them, and I reasoned that I needed to do them. I do not like to use excuses, so I will not. I deserve whatever comes to me, not because I am a "bad" person, but because I did something that will warrant people thinking "bad" things about me. I will face this, but for now, I am in my own world, and I will be changing the way that I do things from here on out.
I still cannot quite believe that Boyfriend has chosen to stay with me and work through this. I am not sure if it is that I am worth the effort, or if it is us that is worth the effort. Probably the latter, as I have been beating myself up over all of this. Not in a victim's way of beating oneself up, but in a way that will make me better in the end. I will be better in the end. I will have done something terrible, but I will be better in the end no matter what anyone says about me or does to me. Perhaps this is how I will learn not to let other peoples' opinions of me influence how I am and what I do in this lifetime. Perhaps it might be worth it in the end, in some sick way.
At least now I do not have to be involved, and now I have motivation not to be involved with the Albertson's drama club. They will hear about my part in the club, but then I will disappear, and no one will know where I've gone. Albertson's and home will somehow finally be separated. I will shop for groceries, toiletries, and goodies somewhere else. Somewhere where I am anonymous again. Somewhere where no one knows of what goes on behind the curtain.
Perhaps when, and if my name is slandered, it won't matter, because I won't care with whom my name is slandered. It won't make any positive difference in my new world, because they no longer exist. It no longer matters or makes any slightest sense of difference.
Boyfriend does think that I am a sexaholic. I never thought of it that way, but now that I have heard it said, there is some truth to it. Somehow an unbelieveable truth.
In one part of my thoughts, I wish to just cut lose from everything I've had in the past several years, and start fresh. Yank it all away, burn it all away, let it fly free back into the atmosphere. We were not a match, a fit. Redefine oneself.
But what, other than experience, would I gain from this? Would I learn how to pick up all of the blocks after I've scattered them all over my living room floor? Would I learn, in essence, that when I make a mess, I need to figure out a way to clean it up; even if remnants still remain? To deal with the choices I have made?
Indeed; but why can I not have both worlds. Why can't I meld them together, taking with me, the best from both sides of the argument in my head.
I suppose that someday, I might see a clearer pictures of what it is I am dredging through. For now, I do not know the whole picture, so I am a little blind as to what will come next. I foresee things improving, but being stubborn and quite sore for some time. I do not look forward to the latter.
That said, there is a family function this evening, and I do not look forward to Boyfriend acting as if nothing of importance has happened recently between us in our relationship. Boyfriend's dad will be passing me cocktails, and getting me drunk, and then he will somehow prod at me, and get me to tell him things that I would not, necessarily or ordinarily, say, to my Boyfriend's dad.
In fact, I am not sure how this evening will go at all. On top of all of this, I have been sick in bed, in the house, for the entire week, and I am tired of being inside, and tired of being sick. Perhaps this might be my excuse not to attend the festivities this evening. But I would hate to add to the disappointment which is lingering in the air, over all of us, today.
Ahh, Saturday afternoons.
posted by Sea Change at 1:04 PM
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